Reality TV Lower Elements Style
by fuzzy-grapes
Summary: When a ratings crazy TV station invents a new show all they need are contestants. And they choose the fairies that people love to hate: Police Officers! But when you add in Artemis Fowl, Mulch Diggums and Foaly you have one very weird show.
1. Let's Get it Started!

A message from me!

Hello everyone! This is my first fanfic thing. Please read it and review it. I will probably change this because I wrote this whole thing in about thirty minutes when I was bored. Oh, by the way, in case you thought I owned anything connected to Artemis Fowl – I don't! And now for:

**Reality TV : Lower Elements Style**

**Meeting Room, Channel ROK headquarters**

No many people knew where the Channel ROK headquarters were and those who did would be killed if they told anyone else. The Boss of Channel ROK was almost as paranoid as the centaur, Foaly, if less intelligent. At this moment in time, The Boss was sitting behind his chair, gazing at a painting of ducks. No one had ever seen his face – it was rumored that he wore a paper bag over his head when he went out. Seated at a long table were five elves. Don Eferk, a former reporter for the Channel ROK news, sat next to Jane, Gerald and Pat.

"Ratings are down by twenty six percent," Jane informed the assembled fairies.

"Yeah," Pat agreed, "Maybe we need to move out of reality TV and make a new soapie or something."

"No." The boss said, "Reality TV shows are going well for the other stations. What we need is a new angle. I have an idea."

Gerald sat up straighter. No doubt this idea would involve a big pay rise.

**Commander Root's Office, Police Plaza. Haven, The Lower Elements**

Commander Julius Root was contentedly smoking a fungal cigar in his office. As he exhaled a cloud of toxic green smoke he reflected over the events of the day. First, a few of his best officers had teamed up together to capture a whole bunch of dwarves illegally traveling to Disneyland, Paris. During the course of the day a total of twelve trainee techies had been in and out of his office checking a new computer system and he'd managed to yell at all of them, dock five lots of pay and threaten to fire about seven people, including Foaly, who had implyed that 'Julius' was as dumb as a goblin. Finally, Mulch Diggums was locked up, soon to be taken to court and convicted of several crimes. Aaah, it had been a successful day. And Root was almost at the end of his shift. There was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" Root yelled. No doubt it was another fool he could shout at.

"Julius!" A middle aged elf had come in through the door. Bad move. No one but a few close friends and Root's mother called Root 'Julius'.

"TO YOU, CIVILIAN, I AM COMMANDER ROOT. DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THOSE WHO ARE OF A HIGHER STATUS TO YOU, YOU LAZY, GOOD FOR NOTHING, RUDE, FAIRY?" Screamed Root, delighted to have someone new to shout at.

"S-sorry Root. C-commander. S-sir." The elf stammered. He held out a form. "I'm from-"

"NEVERMIND THAT JUST GIVE ME THE FORM AND WHEN I GIVE IT BACK TO YOU GET YOUR BACKSIDE OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Root signed the form without reading it. Probably just another order for shuttle parts, he reasoned.

Let this be a lesson to all of you reading at home. Never sign forms without reading them first. Or something extremely bad might happen.

**Police Plaza. Captain Short's Cubicle.**

Captain Holly Short was shooting paper into the bin in her cubicle.

"Yes! Three points!" She added it to her score of 104. It was sad, she knew that, but when she didn't need to track anything or do any paper work what else was there to was do? Nothing, that's what. The intercom system crackled to life.

"Commander Root, Captain Kelp, Captain Short, Corporal Kelp, Private Verbil, Mulch Diggums and Foaly. Report to Situations Booth ASAP. That is all."

Holly was surprised. What under earth did they need her AND Trouble for? And how could Chix help? Unless they needed to scare off lots of girls she doubted he would be useful. Holly was curious. She decided to go to Situations without asking Root for confirmation. Mistake. Big one.

**Detaining Cell, Police Plaza**

Mulch Diggums was, once again, in trouble with the goblins. At this present moment he was suspended between the shoulders of two large goblins as a third one prepared to flame him with a fireball.

"Now, fairies, can't we settle this in a way that doesn't involve me getting hurt?"

The goblins let him go while they considered their answer. The intercom crackled to life.

"Commander Root, Captain Kelp, Captain Short, Corporal Kelp, Private Verbil, Mulch Diggums and Foaly. Report to Situations Booth ASAP. That is all."

Mulch banged on the bars of the cell.

"Hey! Let me out! I'm not supposed to be here! I'm Mulch Diggums!"

An officer handcuffed him and led him out. "Convict, you are to come straight back after going to the Situations booth. And don't steal anything."

"Of course not," smiled Mulch innocently, fingering the wallet he'd taken from the cop.

**Police Plaza. Situations Room.**

In the situations room the, er, situation was very different.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Yelled Holly as a large female pixie slopped make-up on her face.

"You look gorgeous, darl," said the pixie, "NEXT!"

Commander Root was pushed roughly onto the chair.

"Hey! What the hell?" He protested, "I never- What? NO, NOT BLUSH! D'ARVIT! GET THE D'ARVIT-"

Meanwhile, Foaly was parading around with a fat suit on.

"Hello civilians, my name is Commander Root, I am dumb and stupid," said the centaur in a deep, low voice.

"Foaly, dumb and stupid mean the same thing," Holly noted, watching with some amusement on her face.

"Whatever." The centaur continued with his monologue. "I smoke and my face is red. My name is Julius and I didn't change it because I am g-" He had just noticed the commander. "They made me do it! Don't fire me! I'm indispensable! Please don't hurt me!"

Sheryl was not happy. Root's face kept getting redder and redder no matter how much powder she put on it. She slapped on more powder in frustration. A large gnome entered the room.

"Hurry up, fairies. We're on in five."

"What the d'arvit is going on here?" Asked Trouble Kelp.

"You know, the reality TV show."

"WHAT?"

"I have the commander's signature right here! He has signed this official document, enabling us to include you in our reality TV show. Legally, you are obliged to participate."

Everyone in the room turned and looked at Commander Root. He gulped.

"Well, you know. I didn't realize-"

"Julius!" groaned Mulch.

"Why you little- MY NAME IS COMMANDER ROOT! FUTHERMORE IF YOU DON'T STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, I WILL DOCK YOUR PAY FOR A COUPLE OF CENTUARIES!"

"5-4-3-2-1, you're on," said the gnome, pushing them onto the stage.

**Police Plaza. Auditorium Stage.**

"Hello and welcome to Reality TV – Lower Elements Style!" crooned the former reporter with a large quiff, "I am your host, Don Eferk, and here are your contestants!"

Spotlights illuminated four of the contestants at various stages of trying to sneak off stage. Holly was not there, having had the sense to get away while the stage was still dark. The two who had not attempted to run away were enthusiastic. Chix Verbil was blowing kisses at various girls in the audience and Foaly was prancing around the stage.

"Everyone is cheering for me!" he said, "Finally I'm getting the recognition I deserve!"

"Introducing Julius Root!" Don Eferk announced, gesturing towards the Commander.

Julius turned an exotic, deep purple colour.

"Trouble Kelp."

Trouble blushed shyly.

"Holly Short."

Holly was escorted back on stage by two security guards.

"Grub Kelp."

Grub waved at the camera. "Hi, Mummy! I'm on TV!"

"Chix Verbil."

Chix blew more kisses.

"Mulch Diggums."

Mulch stopped eating through the stage, and waved.

"Aaand finally Foaly!"

Foaly waved. "Up yours Opal Koboi!" He yelled.

"Now for our special guests…."

Holly groaned. Who would it be? She hated cheesy reality TV shows and their trashy celebrity guests.

"Fresh from the land of mud we have Artemis Fowl!"

Artemis appeared, confused, on stage. "Amazing," he mused, "transportation technology."

"Butler!"

Butler appeared, assessed the situation and ran in front of Artemis, holding out his Sig Sauer. Security trolls leapt on him and took the gun away.

"And finally, Juliet Butler!"

Juliet appeared. "What the hell?" she asked, looking around.

"Now for the rules! There will be nine rounds to this contest, the ultimate reality TV test. In each round, the viewers at home vote for who they think should leave and the person with the most votes gets kicked off. Remember, Haven residents, the outcome of this show is in your hands! And now for the first round……"


	2. Fear Factor!

**Reality TV – Lower Elements Style: Chapter 2**

**Downtown Haven, Police Plaza. Auditorium Stage.**

"Now for the rules! There will be eight rounds to this contest, the best of all reality TV shows. After each round, you, the viewer at home, vote for who they think should leave the competition and the person with the most number of votes gets kicked off. Remember, Haven residents, the outcome is in your votes laughs. And now for the first round - Fear Factor!"

Artemis suppressed a groan. He considered groaning to be a sign of weakness – his enemies could realize that he wasn't looking forward to the Fear Factor thing and use that to their advantage. But that wasn't the problem here. Artemis had seen Fear Factor before. Juliet had insisted on watching it when it was on TV and, from his observations, it usually involved the contestants doing stunts that challenged them physically and mentally. Artemis didn't mind being challenged mentally; it was the physical thing he was worried about. But there was no time for that. There was another, more worrying issue to think about here. What, why, how did Butler, Juliet and himself get here?

Don Eferk wiped his sweating face with a towel. He had forgotten how hot those stage lights got.

"Everyone! Contestants! Gather round!" he yelled, "Soon we will get on a shuttle, transport you to the surface and go to the middle of the Pacific Ocean. There we will film the first stunt. Off we go!"

**Pacific Ocean**

Mulch had no idea what had possessed him to stay and watch the proceedings of this disaster instead of chewing his way out of this mess. Probably the chance to see Julius getting humiliated. Mulch was certain that was going to happen sooner or later. What with Foaly, Holly and that Fowl kid here, Root was going to be turning some VERY interesting colours. He looked up. And almost passed out. This did not look good.

Foaly was grinning, having recently attached a 'Kick Me' sign to the back of Root's jumpsuit. Aaah, life was….Oh no! Above the ocean, three helicopters were supporting a large curvy piece of platform. At the end of that, there was a ramp. In the water there were several hoops. On the platform there was a primal type of Mud Man transportation. Perhaps a bus. Or some type of bike. It did not look good. He had watched Fear Factor and laughed at the Mud people as they struggled through the tasks but actually doing it himself? Ugh. He sighed. Julius better pay him overtime for this.

"Contestants over here!" Called a large gnome, "We're on in 5."

Sheryl darted in-between all the contestants, stopping to powder Root's face one last time and button up Mulch's bum flap which had come undone in all the 'excitement'.

"5-4-3-2-1, you're up!"

"Hello and welcome to Reality TV: Lover Elements Style! I am your host Don Eferk and we are here, above the Pacific Ocean, about to begin Round One of this show: Fear Factor! Soon we will begin the stunt. But what is the stunt? (Here, Don paused with a fake expression of wonder on his face. It soon disappeared.) What will happen is this: The contestant in question will be transported up to the platform that is currently suspended from three helicopters. They will then get on the motorbike and ride on the platform (at this point Grub squeaked '_Mummy!_') up till the ramp. Here, they will ride up and try and get the bike to jump as far as possible over the water. The winner is the one of all of you who jumps the longest on the motorbike. Got it?"

They all seemed to be nodding; however this may have been a phantom response given that most of them were shivering on the floor whilst doing so.

"We have selected, by random order, Julius Root to go first."

Root decided to let the Julius comment go aside, considering that he was about to practically die.

"Sucker," snorted Foaly.

Root was going to shout at Foaly as well, but decided, if he was about to die, he would prefer the centaur to have happy memories of their time together. Or maybe he was just delirious.

**Pacific Ocean, on the platform**

Root got on the motorbike. He could see Foaly, Mulch and Trouble forming a chant: "Julius, Julius, he's our man. If he can't do it Holly can!"

This made him more determined to kick Foaly's smart butt. He revved up the engine and, with the thought of Mulch giggling at him, was off. He only slowed down a bit for the bend in the platform and as he was sailing in the air, having just jumped in the air, yelled: "SO THERE, FOALY!"

He landed on the two metre mark, meaning that he'd jumped two metres. He was wet, cold and about ten sprites had swum over to him, towed him to shore and tried to resuscitate him until he had yelled at them that he was alive, thank you very much and did they know that he was a COMMANDER of the LEP?

**Pacific Ocean, on shore.**

"Julius has managed to jump the motorcycle two metres! Let's see if GRUB KELP can do any better!"

Grub whimpered a sentence that probably contained the word 'mummy'. He hid behind his brother and shivered violently.

"Stop it Grub. You're embarrassing me. Can't you act like a man instead of a kindergartener?"

"Shut up Trub. You're supposed to look after me."

"Yeah? I am looking after you. Just go up, won't you?"

Grub sniveled for a bit longer then decided to go up. And if he died then it would be all Trub's fault, he thought.

**Pacific Ocean, on the platform.**

Grub hesitantly stepped on the motorbike.

"Don't look down!" called out Foaly, laughing.

Grub looked down. Eeek! It was so far. He felt faint.

"Go already!" Yelled Trouble.

Grub gathered his strength. He thought that it would be a good idea to close his eyes at this point. Bad idea. When he accelerated the motorcycle he couldn't see where he was going. He careened off the side of the platform, falling into the water at the -5m mark. The next thing he knew was a medic shining a light into his eyes.

"Am I dead?"

"No son. You're right as rain. Off you go!"

Grub skipped off. He was alive! He, Grub Kelp, was alive! And, he reasoned, the only reason that he didn't beat the Commander's score was that Foaly told him not to look down. Yup, it was all the centaurs fault. And, after deciding to buy the centaur a bunch of flowers, he went to look at how the others were going.

The others were going fine, except for Mulch Diggums who was the next fairy to sweat it out on the platform. He got on the motorbike and, being slightly shorter than the others, had to stand to reach the pedals. This may have been why he had no sense of balance when he accidentally accelerated the bike at full speed. He swerved at the bend and did a complicated jump at the ramp, completely by accident. He was separated from the bike and was left holding onto the ramp by his fingertips to the sound of Julius Root's hearty laughter.

Juliet Butler was next and currently completely confused.

"How did, Where did, what?" she kept asking her brother. He was worried about her. Juliet was his only sister and if she went crazy, where would he be? As Juliet was escorted onto the platform he could only look on helplessly. If they harmed one hair on his baby sister's head then heaven help them because he would be coming a-calling. But one of those lads that kept calling for her had a motorbike so she seemed to be doing okay. From what Butler could see she was still breathing, anyway.

Juliet accelerated, expertly negotiating the bent in the platform. She went up the ramp and punched the air in exhilaration as she landed, on the 2.3 metre mark. Hehehe, she thought. She had beaten the red-faced fairies score! When she was back on shore her brother hugged her until she couldn't breathe.

"Honestly, bro. You're too emotional sometimes." Yet, she thought, he is the best bodyguard around. With that thought she hugged him back. Juliet, although she wouldn't admit it to most people, was very proud of her brother.

"Artemis Fowl! Will you please go to the platform?"

It was the moment Artemis had been dreading. He'd never been on a motorcycle before and generally, physical tasks didn't agree with him. Butler was also apprehensive.

"I could hold off the fairies while you and Juliet run." Suggested the bodyguard.

Artemis shook his head. For a reason that he couldn't quite fathom he wanted to stay for the whole thing.

"I want to get to the bottom of this situation, Butler."

Butler didn't question this. Madame Ko had taught him that principals often did strange things and, as long as he remained alert, Artemis should be just fine.

Artemis had finally gotten onto the motorcycle. He knew exactly what he needed to do to complete this task successfully but, due to his considerable lack of hand-eye coordination, this was not possible.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

Holly smirked as Artemis and the motorcycle fell into the ocean with a large splash.

"The mud boy narrowly beat Grub's score. Well done, Artemis! Next we have Chix Verbil!"

"I'll do this for you, Cap'!" Yelled the private, blowing Holly a kiss. Her hand strayed towards the blaster attached to her belt. As he was about to approach the ramp, she blasted the motorbike he was riding at a low setting, enough to make the motorbike hot and uncomfortable. Needless to say he did not beat any records.

"My hand……slipped." She said to all the heads that turned her way, "It was an ACCIDENT! Really!"

Trouble Kelp was next, beating the Commander and Juliet's score by .09 of a metre. After him was Butler who would have done just as well if it wasn't for his considerably large mass. Next came Foaly!

"Erm….I don't think that those motorbikes are exactly made for centaurs."

Commander Root laughed, "Of course they are!"

"I really don't think-"

"Just get up there Foaly. Frond knows I need the entertainment."

Foaly flicked his tail anxiously as he was taken up to the platform. At the top he yelled: "You'll regret this!" Just the melodramatic part of his personality acting up again.

Okay, he thought to himself. Some one with my IQ should be able to do this easily. He hooked two of his legs over the motorbike, putting his hands on the handlebars. He accelerated faster than he expected and zoomed, out of control, towards the bend in the track. And as he flew over the edge there was only one word he could use to describe the moment.

"D'Arvit!"

After Foaly's somewhat failure (although he was better than Grub and Artemis) it was all left up to Holly. Not that she was worried. From what she could see this motorcycle thing wasn't much different to being in the chutes in a pod. Besides, if Mulch could do it, so could she. She sat delicately on the motorcycle, gunned the engines, and set off, roaring down the platform. She didn't slow down a bit, not even for the bends, and as they all watched she took off in a perfect arc, splashing down in the water at the three metre mark.

"She did it all for me," Said Chix proudly, watching as she swore at him from the water.

"So in first place Holly Short!" Said Don Eferk, "If this was normal Fear Factor Holly would be receiving a big bag, full to the brim with gold, right about now. But this isn't normal Fear Factor (Holly reached for her blaster again) and she might not even stay in the competition. Unless you vote for someone who you think should NOT be in this competition. So vote for to get rid of someone, and whoever gets the most votes will be leaving next week! This has been Reality TV: Lower Elements Style. Don Eferk OUT!"

AUTHORS NOTE:

I haven't had any reviews sob so far so PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE review otherwise I'll just be here feeling lonely all by my self wallows in self pity. Anyway, you heard Don, vote! If you want Mulch out of the competition the in your review (You know you want to!) put Mulch's name. Same goes for any others. Please vote! Other wise I'll just write the next part without you're input. And that would be a pity. Seeya!


	3. Super Nanny!

AUTHORS NOTE:

Thank you, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to everyone that reviewed my thing! I luv you all (not really but sort of). At the time that I wrote this I had four reviews and three votes. In other words, I need more votes! But anyway, here is:

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style – Chapter 3**

**Downtown Haven, Police Plaza. Auditorium Stage.**

"Hello Haven! This is Reality TV: Lower Elements style and I am your host Don Eferk!" Yelled Don Eferk, "We had a record breaking number of votes last show (three) and the person/fairy to leave us this week is (_dramatic pause_) Grub Kelp!"

Grub was jerked out of his daydream. In it he'd just won the show and he'd been promoted to commander and he'd ordered a hundred fluffy toys and they were all around his office and……… well anyway, you can imagine how surprised he was when he heard his name.

"Trub, did they just…..did I win the competition?"

"No stooopid! You're leaving the competition." Trouble was sort of pleased.

Grub almost cried. His brother had called him STOOOPID! That was such an insult.

"I'm telling mummy."

"Just shut up and go get your consolation prize."

Grub was surprised. He got a prize for losing? Maybe it was because they recognized what would have been true talent if it hadn't been for that stupid centaur…..

"Now, Grub, you have won this beautiful make-up kit, thanks to Kiddie Toys and Co. Now for the next portion of the contest – SuperNanny!"

**Jean's Childcare Centre, Haven, The Lower Elements**

Holly was bad at taking care of children. It was a fact of life like 'Foaly is paranoid' or 'Dwarves stink.' In fact, when her mum had suggested she take up babysitting to earn more money, several parents had taken out court orders to prevent her from going near their children. As I said before, Holly was bad at taking care of children.

"We are here, live, at Jean's Childcare Centre, I am your host Don Eferk and here are the contestants. This round will involve each contestant being responsible for three children each. Vote for who you think does the worst and the person with the most votes gets eliminated!"

Don and Jean walked over to each contestant giving out three scowling and scary-looking children to each. Holly shivered. These children looked like they'd just dropped off the reject pile of an assembly line. And then she saw the three troll/dwarf hybrids she was given. I'd better be payed double overtime for this, she thought.

Commander Root was given two sprites and a two or three year old elf that was sucking her thumb and gripping Jean's leg.

"The sprites are brothers, Gump is older and Ren is younger. Jessica is the elf, she's just a bit homesick. Don't let Gump and Ren push her around," Jean said, before leaving.

This shouldn't be a problem, thought Root. Why would it be? He was a LEP commander for Frond's sake. And these kids had less brain cells than the normal officers that he dealt with, which would make them easier to order around. Yep, he thought, he'd gotten an easy deal. Famous last words.

Trouble had three female pixie triplets. At this moment they were sitting in a circle giggling and pointing to him. O-okay. He didn't have much experience with girls but they seemed content enough so he thought he would just leave them and get on with- he looked back at them. Oh no. The space that they'd previously occupied was empty. What would he do now?

Holly had been assigned a family of dwarves. The oldest, Brett, had just discovered that he could unhinge his jaw and was experimenting with this. At least he hasn't learnt to bite through walls, Holly thought. The middle child was currently sulking in a corner. Brett had recently swallowed her doll and Holly didn't really want to retrieve it so she left everyone how they were. But those two weren't the thing stressing Holly out. No, the one Holly was having trouble with was the youngest dwarf. It was crying.

Chix was having the time of his life. He had three sprites, all around twenty years (ten or eleven human years) and they had just discovered girls. He watched as they tried to hook up with three giggling elf triplets that had just appeared from…….somewhere. He was currently giving one of them tips on picking up chicks. Chix grinned. They were learning from the master. When they grow up no girl will be able to resist them. Or, so Chix thought.

Mulch had female gremlins, two were twins and one was in his arms, crying. The twins had discovered his bum flap and were laughing.

"How would you like it if I laughed at you because you have pointy ears?" asked Mulch.

"You have pointy ears two, dimbo!" screeched one of the twins, giggling.

He felt them. D'Arvit, they were right.

Foaly was discovering the joys of a change table. Fun!

"So," he mused, "I undo this flap and this one and take the whole thing off then slide this underneath them and do up the flaps again."

"Yes, you got it!" Jean was happy. No all of her employees learnt this quickly. You'd think the centaur was a genius or something.

Foaly took the diaper off and then received an unexpected stream of what he thought was water on his cheek. Foaly had only sworn once in his life and today was turning into his second time: "D'Arvit!"

Artemis and Holly probably fell under the same category when dealing with children: Greatly Incompetent. Artemis's charges, three goblins, were all crying and Artemis didn't have enough hands to hold them all at once. Not that he knew that he would have to hold them. Artemis gathered his strength. 'I need to approach this problem from a different angle,' he thought. 'Okay, what do I know about babies? Not much,' he answered himself. Honestly, they didn't even have a restart button!

Butler was breezing through this babysitting thing. He had learnt both basic and advanced childcare during his course at Madame Ko's academy and Artemis had been a pretty tricky child to deal with at times. His elfin charges were all successfully asleep, bar one who was amusing himself with a model of a pod that Foaly had designed. What a breeze.

Juliet, though she'd been through the same training as her brother, had forgotten most of it. Why did she need to know? It wasn't like wrestlers would have to take care of many children. However, her children were all around five years old and the pixies were sleeping peacefully. Good. She would have time to think over what else to do with them.

**Grub's Cubicle, Police Plaza**

Grub leaned back in his chair, having just watched the Fear Factor round of the show on TV. At the moment he was looking for more excuses to do with the fact he was voted off.

"Ummmmm, how about, I knew I would win so I voted myself out on purpose?"

OF course, no one else was there. While Commander Root and Foaly were on leave their unit had practically shut down with some of the more daring sprites leaving holograms in their cubicles while they went to Spud's Spud Emporium in various disguses. Well Grub wouldn't do that. If the others were caught Grub would probably be promoted for following rules. And getting a promotion without doing any field work – that was what Grub called skill.

**Jean's Childcare Centre, Haven, the Lower Elements**

"Okay, contestants, your children should be waking up from their naps now, providing you managed to actually get them to go to sleep," Jean said, staring at first Holly then Artemis. They both squirmed nervously. Artemis had tried turning on the radio to a classical music station but he, knowing nothing about radio stations underground, had accidently turned it to the hardest, moodiest, headbanging rock station there was. Needless to say, his children did not sleep easy.

Holly was looking for her badge in her pocket when Brett discovered a nutri-bar that she kept in case of emergencies. Nutri-bars are specially made for the LEP and the Lower Elements Sports Institute because, not only do they have eight vitamins and minerals, they are enritched with pure energy extracted from plants. When the children ate a third of the bar each, they looked like they'd had a million cups of coffee and acted like it too. Holly presumed this wasn't a good thing.

"We encourage you to form a circle, interspersing those less experienced with those more experienced. Holly, Artemis. Please sit near Butler."

"Guess what?" Gump asked Jessica.

"What?" asked Jessica.

"You smell and I don't!" Ren and Gump high-fived. Jessica started sniffing.

"I do not!"

"Yes you do, CRYBABY! You smell as bad as a dwarf!"

Root decided that he should intervine.

"Shut up right now before I-" Root stopped. He couldn't dock their pay or even fire them. "I, um, take away your toys."

This made Jessica sniffle more than ever.

"Look what you've done!" Yelled Ren, "You made Jessica cry!"

"Child abuser!" Screamed Gump.

Root felt his face turning red. Everyone was staring and Holly and Mulch were having a hard time not laughing. It had all been too much for Trouble, who had left the room. Foaly was screaming with laughter.

"Now, Julius. Children don't need you to blackmail them and that kind of language is not acceptable," Jean remarked, "You must establish your authority and, if they do misbehave, use the 'Naughty Spot' technique. Watch."

She proceeded to demonstrate as the others watched on.

Having recovered from his fit of laughter, Trouble Kelp re-entered the room to find his triplets with Chix and his sprites. When 'Chix-man' tried to convince him what he was doing was educational, Trouble had told Chix that he was disgusting and should be eliminated. This made Chix mad. And the pixies giggle at him AGAIN. What was with girls and giggling? Made him glad he was born a guy.

Holly's charges were on the brink of hyperactivity.

"Look-everyone-I-can-bite-through-the-floor-and-listen-to-this!" Yelled Brett really fast, his pupils twice their normal size, as he exhaled some dwarf gas.

"Good one, little guy!" Mulch Diggums exclaimed. "Almost as good as me!"

"Please, Mulch. Do not get into a flatulence competition with Brett. Get on wth your babysitting."

"Oooh, touchy Captain Short?"

"Shut up." But the truth was that she had been having a hard time. The middle child, a girl named Bree, was doing some sort of dance. The littlest boy was blinking hurridly and had been for two hours. She leaned in closer. His eyes were all………big! And his mouth moved slightly. She was glad he couldn't talk - otherwise she would be getting an earful right now. She got out her keys and gave them to the little one to play with. His eyes widened even more (if that was possible) and he joyfully stuffed a key into his toothless mouth and sucked.

"Ummmm, please give it back?"

He kept sucking joyfully.

"Otherwise I'll have to take it back."

She pulled on the keyring. He opened his mouth. Good. And started screaming. Bad.

"Shush, shush." Holly comforted. At least she was doing better the Commander Root had done, "Ummmm, please be quiet?"

He screamed louder. How could she stop this horrible noise? Captain Short decided to stop the noise at the source. She clamped a slim, elfin hand over the dwarf's mouth. He immediately found her finger and sucked that. She turned to Butler.

"Help me?"

Artemis smirked from Butlers other side.

"Holly Short asking for help? Call the newspapers"

"Would it kill you to shut your smart mouth for a few minutes? Honestly, you're turning all Foaly on me."

Artemis shut his mouth, his eyes mocking Holly. She longed to punch him again. But not in front of the children.

Butler had stuck a dummy in the dwarves mouth. He had a whole pocketful of them.

"Artemis was always screaming as a baby," he said by way of explaination. Holly imagined the Mud Boy sucking on a dummy. The image was amusing.

Chix was explaining what to do on a first date with a girl to his eager charges when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Are you sure this is appropriate for the children?" Asked Jean.

"Of course, darling. After all, they're learning from the best."

"And who might that be?"

"Are you flirting with me, baby? I am the best for I am the Chix-man. As for you, are you hurt?"

"Why?"

"Cos it must have hurt when you fell from heaven to earth."

"That is the sleaziest pick-up line I've ever heard in my life. Get yourself out of a gutter and perhaps stop talking about that infront of the kids."

Chix shock his head. The chick was in denial. She couldn't resist him.

"So what do you like doing?" Mulch asked his charges.

The girls just giggled and pointed. Wait, Mulch thought, there were five of them? And one in his arms. How did this happen? Did baby gremlins multiply while they grew up? And how come some were pixies?

"Help! My children have multiplied!"

This sounded stupid, even to Mulch but he was un-prepared for the burst of laughter that would follow this statement. The camera man was giving him a thumbs up from behind the camera and Julius Root, who prided himself on NOT laughing, was practically killing himself laughing. As well as the rest of them. He scowled at them, especially Artemis Fowl. Trouble raced over.

"Those are mine. I must have……..misplaced them."

Another burst of laughter. If anyone reminded trouble about this while on field duty he would have their badge in seconds.

After the 'diaper incident' which would probably end up on funniest home video shows around the country, Foaly was more cautious of these 'children'. More like weapons of mass destruction. In fact, he thought, he could harness the power of that stream of water and invent the 'water pistol'. But this was another story. He needed to keep his three babies cooing and happy. A puppet show was his way of doing this.

"So the centaur went up to the commander and said 'I have invented this miracle making object' and the commander said 'Well done Foaly, your worship. I will build a statue of you in the square and invent a religion that lets me worship you every day of the week' and then-" Foaly had once again noticed the commander.

"Whassup, Julius? I'm, y'know, just entertaining the kiddley-winks."

"Don't call me Julius you quadrepedal FREAK!"

Jean came over to him within a second, "Is this language really nescisary? The children are disturbed."

In the commanders mind it was the childrens fault for being there when he wanted to swear. "I'm sorry," he said through gritted teeth. And it was probably that that prompted the biggest laugh of all from Mulch Diggums.

Artemis had just fed one of the goblins and it was currently crying consistently.

"Butler," he whispered, "What do I do now?"

"Burp her."

"What?"

"Burp her. You know." Butler demonstrated and then after feeding the other children told Artemis to try. Artemis picked up the baby, burped her according to Butler's instructions and felt something wet and VERY smelly cascade down the back of his designer suit. Holly giggled, laughed, then roared with guffaws.

"The baby, his back, the puke!" She kept saying as she went to get a drink and compose herself. Juliet was also amused, her giggles coming out through spangled nails as she clamped a hand over her mouth, in an effort to compose herself. Everyone else laughed, even Butler who privately thought that no amount of training could have prevented the burst of laughter that came out of his mouth. It was an amusing moment. For everyone but Artemis. He was a genius, for goodnessake. Geniuses did not have babies puke down their backs. He made a mental note never to invite any babies into the manor in future.

Butler was still chuckling, silently, to himself as he changed the nappy of one elf. He was, in all modesty, the best at this baby-sitting thing. He had aced the class at Madame Ko's Academy, taken good care of Artemis (Here he wondered briefly if bad childcare was genetic since Angeline Fowl was almost as incompetent at it as Artemis and Artemis Senior.) and his sister and now this. As he watched his young employer gingerly take off his sick-soaked jacket he decided that this TV show thing was, quite possibly, a good thing for Artemis. He was getting out more, socializing (Even though it was mostly with people outside his spiecies) and learning. Butler hoped that Artemis didn't get voted out. It would be a shame after all he's gone through.

Juliet had just finished explaining how she did her nails to the little pixie that had admired them, when she realized that the girl was asleep. Oh well. It had been an easy day today. The two boys had practically worshipped her she told them that she was a wrestler and she practiced her piledriver on them, doing it in a way that prevented them from getting hurt. She had even considered becoming a martial arts teacher but dismissed the idea, well at least until her career as a wrestler fell through. It had been a good, laughable, day and she enjoyed it.

AUTHORS OTHER NOTE:

Thank you again for all your reviews. Don't forget to vote! Also thanks to Arianae -Artemis- Kaaratan for the consolation prize idea and, Dusty.Roses, I agree with your idea of having trouble out but the majority was for Grub (. Sorry. Anyway, please keep voting and reviewing. I don't care if you hate this, just tell me if you do ok?

Seeya, ) athleticsrulz.


	4. Perfect Match!

AUTHORS NOTE:

Next week I have to go back to school (_sob_) so I won't be able to update as often. Anyway, thank you all for voting and reviewing (Wow! Two votes at the time of writing this!). This week I had to choose who gets to leave out of Trouble, Chix and Juliet. This theme needs a certain number of people to do it so I choose! Now for:

**Reality TV : Lower Elements Style.**

**Downtown Haven, Police Plaza. Auditorium Stage.**

"Hello Haven! Welcome to Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! I am your host, Don Eferk, and these are your contestants!"

Artemis stood up with the others as the audience burst into applause. But Artemis's mind was not focused on the 'Artemis, Kiss Me!' and 'Marry Me, Artemis' signs in the audience. He was homesick. He'd been in this TV show for four days and he still had no idea of how he had gotten here in the first place! He felt a tear well up in his throat and quickly shook his head to dislodge any thoughts of his parents, computer and study.

_This is no time for weakness_, Artemis chided himself. He put on his customary evil smirk and listened to the host in time to hear:

"So, leaving us today is Trouble Kelp!"

The spotlight was on Trouble. He blushed. Trouble Kelp suffered from chronic stage fright, despite having the guts to re-name himself 'Trouble' at his manhood ceremony. Then the reality of those words sunk in. He was LEAVING? Oh well. He collected his consolation prize (A lifetime's supply of toilet paper) and walked offstage to the sound of the audience's applause.

"Now for the next portion of the show: Perfect Match!"

**Downtown Haven, Police Plaza. Remodeled Auditorium Stage.**

Chix's green skin was glowing with happiness. This was it. His big chance at getting with the Captain babe.

"Hey, Cap! This is our chance to get it-!"

Holly interrupted Chix slightly by slapping his face. "Yeah right, creep. Go bug Mulch or someone who you have a chance with." She retreated to her seat.

'_Babes_,' thought Chix, '_always in denial_.' He rubbed the cheek Holly had punched. '_They make quite an impression, though._'

"So, here's what's gonna happen," A gnome stood up and addressed the contestants. "Youse guys are gonna form two groups of three. The chicks have gotta get in one group each."

Artemis shook his head at the gnome. He, himself, often enjoyed having a patronizing chuckle at his school 'teachers' when they attempted to use grammar correctly in a sentence, but this was just too much!

"Den when youse are on stage, the chick will ask eight questions and den pick her perfect match. Dey go on big holiday and we watch it on video. Den the peoples vote and decide which's of youse gets out. Got it?"

Artemis considered answering the gnome's question with any one of the responses brewing on his tongue, but decided not to. The gnome wouldn't have understood any of them.

"This is going to be a pain in the butt," Holly remarked, replacing her buzz baton on her waist.

Artemis realized what the task meant he would have to do. Oh no.

"Okay, Butler, you can't be in Juliet's group because you're her brother." Root said, calmly smoking a cigar. He stopped and considered what he'd just said. "Well, unless you want too, but-"

Butler quickly shook his head. "No, that's fine."

Root nodded. "So… Mud Boy, would you like to be in Holly or Juliet's group?"

Artemis was faced with a hard decision. He didn't exactly want to be with any of them but…."I do not mind which group I'm in."

"Okay," This didn't make Commander Root's self-appointed job any easier. "What about you Mulch?"

"Juliet," The dwarf mumbled. Artemis smirked. Somehow, that dwarf liked Juliet.

"Chix?"

"HOLLY!" Chix yelled. Artemis and Foaly smirked in unison. The thought of a fully armed LEP officer trying to fight off romantic advances will do that to a person.

"Okay, so that's Butler and Chix in with Holly and Mulch with Juliet. Um…. I'll put Artemis with Juliet, so that's one Mud Man with each and….. Foaly, who would you want to be with?"

Foaly shrugged, "I know you want to be with Holly, Julius so-"

The commander turned his normal deep purple hue, "ONE: MY NAME IS NOT JULIUS TO YOU, IT'S COMMANDER ROOT. TWO: GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER WITHOUT ANY ATTITUDE, DONKEY BOY, OR SOON YOU'LL BE RECEIVING A MOST UNEXPECTED MEAL OF TAIL **WHILE IT'S STILL ATTATCHED TO YOUR BACKSIDE!**" Root calmed down a bit. Foaly was looking a tiny bit taken aback.

"So that's Foaly with Captain Short (Foaly was about to comment but thought better of it) and me with the Mud Girl. Okay, we're done."

**Police Plaza, Some little room near the Auditorium.**

Holly was struggling to make up questions. The guys had it easy. All they had to do was choose groups to be in. She actually had to use her imagination, something that she didn't need much while ambushing criminals. She turned to Juliet.

"Got anything?"

Juliet nodded, "Sure, this is easy. Question one: What is your favourite wrestling star? Question two: What was your favourite wrestling match? Question three-"

Holly cut her off, "Yeah, but I'm hardly going to choose my date by their favourite outfit a wrestler has ever worn."

"C'mon fairy girl. There must be something you'd like your date to have in common with you. What about questions that are, I dunno, poetic or philosophical?"

"Like what? What flower do you think that you are most like?"

"Uh-huh," Juliet nodded, "And, like, if you could be any shade of eye shadow for the day what would it be?"

"Well, maybe not that one. But… okay." Holly decided to use them. Briefly, she wondered how Foaly would answer Juliet's question. She laughed and began scribbling down questions.

**Downtown Haven, Police Plaza. Auditorium Stage.**

"Here today we have Holly Short. She will be asking a series of eight questions to three eligible men, whose voices will be put through a voice-scrambler ("Invented by me!" One of the voices yelled. This made Holly's job easier. One of her 'eligible men' was Foaly.) so their identity stays hidden. At the end, Holly will pick one of the men and they will go on a holiday together. We will be viewing the holiday, of course. They don't call this 'reality TV' for nothing! Over to you Holly!"

Holly cleared her throat nervously. "Okay, first question, if you could be any book what would it be?"

You could hear the men's brains thinking 'What the hell?'

"Oooh! I have an answer!" Yelled Foaly, "The book 'A Fascinating Prodigy – The Story of Foaly' because it's about me and-" Foaly was slightly cut off when a security gnome clamped his hand around the centaur's mouth.

Captain Short laughed. "I wonder who that was. _Foay,_" she said, applying the sarcasm with a shovel.

Butler thought for a few more moments before answering, "I'd be the book 'Nowhere to Run' from the Sweet Valley High series. That book is a thrilling escape from the rigors of my daily life and is a great addition to the romance genre."

Holly frowned. Who was that? She doubted it was Artemis, or the Commander, DEFINATLY not Chix … who else could it be? She shrugged and looked in the direction of where she thought the third contestant to be.

"I'd be the Horri Antowitz book, 'Flying to the Moon and Back' because I think it combines romance, humor and flying perfectly." The third contestant (Chix) stated.

At that moment, Holly would have picked Chix because, one, she didn't actually know it was him, and two, he was the best out of this group. Number two was a bit too… Well, a SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOOK? That simple statement spoke volumes to her. And Foaly? Well, he was Foaly.

"Okay, next question. What do you think is the problem with the world today?"

Foaly cleared his throat noisily, possibly to demonstrate just how bad things were in his world. "Well, you see, I have basically saved Haven from countless dilemmas, including the goblin revolution and the Artemis Fowl affair, but how does Haven repay me? Ever heard of Foaly Day? Is there a statue of me anywhere? No! What do I get? Just budget cuts from Julius, who does not have a hope in the world of ever having the cranial capacity to understand what I am using my budget to build, and be-"

Foaly's rant was interrupted by a roar from up the back of the audience where the commander and the rest of group two were sitting.

"FOALY! IF YOU EVER CALL ME JULIUS AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE SURE THE NEXT MEAL YOU EAT WILL BE MADE OF CENTAUR TAIL – WHICH, COINCIDENTLY, WILL BE ATTATCHED TO YOUR OWN BEHIND!"

There were some scuffling sounds from the commander's general location and Holly could hear a security gnome talking to the commander.

"Right, no threats now, next time you do something like this you will be arrested."

Holly decided to move on.

"Ummmm, Thanks. Next answer!"

"My life, as it is, is quite satisfactory," said Butler carefully. All those years at Madame Ko's academy hadn't prepared him for being on game shows and answering questions spur of the moment, "I believe that the world would be better if Artemis would stop endangering himself during his schemes and instead use his intellect for more….noble deeds. Having said that, if they made a sequal to 'Some Like It Hot' with, maybe Cameron Diaz in the starring role…"

_Okay_, thought Holly, _chances are that that's Butler. But who could the other one be?_

"World peace rules, man! And if everyone could fly, that would be good too."

No, Holly had no idea. _But_, she thought, _whoever it was would be good to pick_.

For her last question Holly decided to use something more complicated.

"So, you're hiding in a closet. You know that there are enemies standing at the windows with weapons pointing your way. You can shield, but they will fire at the slightest haze in the air. You have three brooms, a radio and a gun. How do you get out?"

"My intellect is so great that I would never be in that situation!" Foaly declared. "But I would rig the radio so that it emitted heat hazes to fool them into thinking that I've gone out then, as they shoot, I put the broom, which I made up to look like me, to trap them. Then I shoot. Tell me I'm not the cleverest individual in the universe!"

Holly was tempted. But Contestant Two began talking.

"I would punch through the window and ambush them, shooting them all down. Nothing to it."

Number Three's turn.

"I would throw the radio out to distract them, then fly to the top of the room and shoot them when they least expect it."

_It wouldn't work_, reasoned Holly, but, with a few variations, it was what she would do herself.

- - - - - - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

"So, Miss Short. You are blindfolded and have no idea who these men are. (Holly grinned. Yes. Absolutely no idea.) Pick one and we will send you off on a romantic holiday for a week. You will then come back and discuss it with us."

Holly smiled. "Okay. I pick contestant number three."

She tore off her blindfold in time to see Chix flashing the audience a 'V' for victory sign. Artemis smirked and Holly groaned. Foaly was laughing.

A WEEK? With CHIX? "Kill me now," she moaned.

"Hey, sweet thing. Wanna kiss?" Chix asked.

There was only one way to answer that. She slapped him hard across the cheek.

- - - - - - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

"Holly and Chix have been sent off (forcefully) to their holiday. Now Juliet will pick."

"Hey guys! First question. Okay. Who is your favourite wrestler?"

Artemis had no idea. "Albert Einstein," he said. "I believe his struggle to find out what E equals was truly admirable, even though his answer was entirely wrong."

Mulch Diggums grinned. "In gnome wrestling? Or human?"

"Human," replied Juliet.

"Okay. Hogman!"

Juliet grinned. She liked the sound of this guy. But the first one? A bit to Artemis-like for her.

"My favourite wrestler is anyone who aims a few punches at Foaly."

"Dream on, Julius!" Yelled Foaly from the audience.

So, Juliet knew that the third one was the red-in-the-face fairy. But who were the others?

"Cool. Last question. Which weapon do you think best displays your personality?"

"The pen. It is mightier than the sword due to the fact that any idiot with half a brain can kill someone with the right tools, yet only those of us higher in intellect can write to threaten, scare or psychologically frighten. An example of this can be found-"

Juliet was sure that that was Artemis. Seriously, he had answered 'caviar' when she asked what food was the contestant's favourite snack. But no matter how loser-ish he was, she liked him in a sort of big sister – little brother way. "Okay, that's enough."

"There is a certain … how can I say this … talent I possess which sends certain Mud Men running for cover. Scrub that, it even sends fairies running for their mothers!"

Juliet frowned. Who was this guy?

"My tri-barreled, water cooled blaster," answered the commander.

Julius didn't particularly appeal to the teenager. Who wants to date someone that's heart could explode at any minute?

"Okay. I pick the second one!"

Mulch Diggums didn't know whether to feel happy or not. This girl was funny, it was true. And he liked her. But not THAT way. He decided to go with it. He could always escape if he needed to. And it was probably better that she didn't know how old he was. For her own safety.

**Fiji Theme Park, Fiji. **

Holly was annoyed. Very annoyed. Bordering on I'm-about-to-murder-someone-and-it-will-be-chix-verbil annoyed. Stupid TV Show. Stupid Chix. Stupid Holly. She used every swear word she knew (and some she didn't) under her breath. Actually, she thought, it was quite relaxing, cursing every ancestor of Chix Verbil. Her next thought was that she was going mad. Oh well. She could go to some nice padded room. She would at least be away from Chix, who was becoming more and more sure that the captain was interested in him. It took all her self control to stop herself stunning him with her blaster, but she knew that she would be kicked out of the LEP for that, so she didn't.

"Hey, babe, let's go on the Tunnel of Love ride!"

She didn't want to but the guy operating the camera wanted her to so she, reluctantly, did.

"No wandering hands, Chix," she warned. "And no wandering lips, either!"

**Auditorium Stage, Police Plaza**

The four people left were looking at the video of Holly's holiday. Artemis's face was fixed with a permanent smirk, the hint of a smile was on Butler's lips, Foaly exploded with laughter every few seconds and Root was chuckling gently the whole time the tape was playing.

"Don't you feel the littlest bit sorry for her?" Foaly asked, inbetween fits of laugher.

"Just shut up, you annoying centaur! I'm trying to hear Chix." Root said.

"I am so not annoying, Julius," The centaur said, pouting, "It's just the way you perceive me to be. Therefore the problem doesn't lie in me, it's you. Thus, you are the annoying one."

Root's reply would have been loud and insulting had he not been distracted by Chix trying to kiss Holly in the Tunnel of Love. Her response left Chix squeaking in pain and promising to never try it again, if she'd just let go of his arm.

"Sucker!" Snorted Foaly again, reaching for his jumbo bag of carrots.

**Somewhere in Fiji…..**

Mulch and Juliet were sick of the theme park so they decided to split (or, more romantically, elope!). Mulch had tunneled out and Juliet, grudgingly, followed. Little did they know that there was still a camera following them…….somehow.

"I've been thinking-"

"There's a first time for everything," interrupted Juliet.

"I'm hurt Mud Girl. You pick me as a 'date' and then expect me to take this?"

"Technically, I didn't pick YOU seeing as I was blindfolded and all."

"Whatever. Anyway, do you think we should go back?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"I dunno. I wouldn't want to miss out on watching Arty get humiliated."

"Yeah. And Julius."

"So we go back?"

"Yeah. Y'know, for a Mud Girl you're actually not that bad."

Juliet grinned and hit him playfully on the arm, "Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Especially not stinky creatures that eat dirt."

"Pity. You're really missing out."

**Auditorium Stage, Police Plaza**

Julius had just heard Mulch's 'Julius' remark and he was NOT happy.

"WHY THAT LITTLE REPROBATE! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON HIM I'LL…..HE'LL……YOU'LL REGRET THIS, DIGGUMS!" He yelled, shaking his fist at the screen.

"You do realize that he can't hear you, don't you commander?" Artemis asked. He was a little surprised that Juliet wasn't beating up Mulch but stranger things had happened….. He supposed that it would be good if Juliet was connected to Mulch. He could really help Artemis out during some of his schemes. Butler was also mulling over the fact that Juliet seemed to enjoy her time with Mulch. He would have to keep a sharper eye on her.

"Calm down, Julius. Your heart needs to slow down before it explodes." Foaly offered a helping hand to the commander, who resembled a bright red apple. Strangely this did not help.

"SHUT UP FOALY! I DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE! ALL YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IS THE FACT THAT IF WE EVER GET BACK TO POLICE PLAZA YOU'RE GOING TO FIND YOURSELF WITH SOME SERVERE BUDGET CUTS!"

Artemis shook his head. This little endeavor was not helping Root and Foaly's relationship.

- - - - - - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

"Hello Haven! The four contestants that went to Fiji have returned! And here they are to talk to us!"

Holly sat next to Chix, squashed firmly into her side of the sofa. And if any bit of Chix went onto her side, he would find it VERY sore VERY soon.

"Holly," said Don Eferk, "Do you think that you made the right decision when you picked Chix Verbil?"

Behind him, so the audience couldn't see, someone was holding a cue card with the word 'yes' on it. Stuff that, she thought.

"No. Chix is a d'arviting creep and if he doesn't keep his d'arviting-"

"Can we beep that out," Don whispered to a camera gnome, before turning back to Holly. "Very nice, very nice. What about you, Chix?"

"Oh yeah, Holly is hot for me. But the babe is in denial. It always happens."

"I'm sure. What about you, Juliet?"

Juliet smiled, "Mulch stinks. But otherwise he's okay."

"I resent that," Mulch pouted.

"Well, there you have it! All of you viewers can now vote for who you think should go off and when we return someone will be eliminated. Don Eferk – OUT!"

The crowd went wild and Holly sighed. No doubt some other torturous experience would befall them in the next show, but until then she would just hang out. AWAY from Chix.

AUTHORS NOTE:

This chapter was the hardest to write so far so I don't think that it's as good. To all my lovely reviewers: Thank you all! In appreciation of all of your votes and reviews I have baked you a batch of cookies and since you couldn't eat them I ate them in honor of you! Have a nice day! Also, FetishFemale, I can't do an Amazing Race episode, even though I would like to, because, here in Australia, the season has finished and I didn't watch it (sobs). Seeya!


	5. Home Improvement!

AUTHORS NOTE:

0oh. What a busy week. And I finished a new fic! So I haven't updated in ages. Anyway, thank you all for your votes. I don't think I'll do a survivor one or apprentice one – it depends if I actually watch the show. I meant to watch it on, like, Thursday but Everybody Loves Raymond was on and I forgot. Can you blame me? So here is:

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style**

**Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage**

"Hello Haven! Welcome to Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! I am your host, Don Eferk, and these are your contestants!"

They all stood up, automatically by now, and waved at the audience. Holly, to her great dismay, was seated next to Chix Verbil and occasionally slapped one or more of his hands when they crept close to her.

"Due to popular demand (all of the votes were for him) today we vote out…….Chix Verbil! Chix, please come out to receive this great book, Dating For Dummies, a psychological assessment of the reason most guys find it hard to ask girls out on dates by Dr J Argon!"

Chix slunk up to Don Eferk and after shooting a girl a special smile, slunk off stage again.

"As for the rest of you, the next stage of the competition will be…..Home Improvement!"

**Outside Police Plaza, Downtown Haven, the Lower Elements.**

The contestants were lined up next to Spud's Spud Emporium. Mulch looked longingly at the grisly, greasy burgers. Commander Root followed his gaze.

"Enjoy the sight of that food." He told the dwarf, "its way better than the gruel they'll give you in prison."

"That's such a kind thing to say, Julius," Mulch replied, "And I'm sure the food in prison is much better than what you can afford."

Root's reply was (luckily) drowned out by Don Eferk.

"When we realized that we were going to do a home improvement show," The host said, patting his head with a towel, "We made some special arrangements. In a few minutes, we will be traveling to Fowl Manor. We have thrown a time stop over the building ("Thanks to my beautiful, sophisticated technology" added Foaly). You have eight hours to fix it."

"Fix it?" Artemis asked. "The Manor is in perfectly good condition."

But Don Eferk had already left. Holly smiled.

"Don't worry, Fowl. I'll enjoy 'fixing' the place I was held captive in."

Artemis didn't answer. He needed to think of a plan to keep Holly far, far away from his home. Fast

**Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland.**

"Before we enter the time stop, I must explain to you what has happened here," Don Eferk told the group, "You see, Angeline Fowl, who called in about getting her home cleaned, thinks that 'messy' is a few grass blades pointing the wrong way on the lawn. I could see this place needed a bit of help before it was worth the efforts of tiding up. So, I offered this place to Bark."

Mulch laughed. "You're kidding! Bark!"

"I can see that you've heard of him." Don turned to the rest of the group. "Bark is a business-savvy gnome. He sells stocks by day, organizes illegal raves by night."

"I now know how you heard of him, Mulch." Holly grinned.

"I'm hurt. How do you know I didn't just buy a few shares off him?"

Holly tapped the side of her nose. "Let's just say…..intuition."

"Anyway, Bark of 'Bark's Raves' held the biggest, hugest, largest (Artemis didn't bother pointing out that all of these words meant the same thing.) rave you've ever seen and the mess is left for you to clean up. I made sure that they pulled out a few flowers, the odd lawn here or there and trashed a few water features. Well, here is Fowl Manor!"

They entered Artemis's garden.

"Oh dear," said Butler. The garden looked like a dump.

"Erm, what's this?" Foaly asked, pointing toward a patch of green liquid on the grass..

Holly led him away. "You don't want to know."

"Contestants! All the equipment you want – just ask for it whenever. But for now I will be going. You have eight hours, starting NOW!"

Root decided to take charge again. After all he was a COMMANDER.

"Okay, what needs to be done?" He asked Artemis.

"We need to return it to it's previous state of perfection."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious. I never would have figured that out on my own." Root said sarcastically.

"I don't know, Julius. You might not have." Foaly decided to point out.

Root rounded on him. "IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED WITH THAT HUGE BRAIN OF YOURS, YOU LITTLE SHETLAND PONY, I AM YOUR SUPERIOR. THAT MEANS THAT, AT MY COMMAND, A NICE KILOGRAM OF GOLD IS CUT OFF YOUR BUDGET. NOW, SHUT UP AND LISTEN." He breathed deeply through his nose. "We are on a schedule here, so do what I tell you. Now, Artemis, you're saying that we just fix this place up however and your parents won't notice."

Artemis fixed his blue eyes on Root. "Quite obviously, my parents will notice. They are not complete idiots."

"ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I AM AN IDIOT, MUD BOY?"

Holly stepped in. "Commander, Mud Boy. We are on a time limit. Arguing can wait."

"Ahem. As I was saying earlier, before I was interrupted by the Commander, my parents will notice. However, I can just tell them that I wanted a change and hired a landscape gardener, or an unreliable gardener – it depends on how bad the end result looks."

"Okay." Root breathed again, "So first we should pick up all the rubbish."

"What, all of us?" Foaly asked.

"YES, ALL OF US. YOUR COMPUTERS AREN'T HERE FOR YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH SO IT'S TIME THAT YOU ACTUALLY EARNED YOU SALARY, FOALY!"

Butler stepped in. "So if everyone can just get busy picking up rubbish and putting it in the bins, I'm sure Mister and Missus Fowl will be happy." And, with a crack of his knuckles, everyone was on their knees, no complaints, not even by Foaly.

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Foaly didn't normally use his hands for anything except eating carrots and typing commands into computers. Yet today he found himself cleaning the Fowl garden. He was reasonably upset. He had already had the commander threaten to slash his budget. And if that wasn't enough, his beloved computers were not here for him to use. He was so busy thinking about which idiot in Police Plaza was trying to activate his system that he put his hand in the thing he had asked Holly about earlier.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed, shaking the vomit off his hands.

Everyone came running.

"What is it, Foaly?" Asked Root, concern slipping into his tones.

"I…Eeew….This…" Foaly tried to describe the situation without looking at his hand.

Mulch was in hysterics on the ground. Holly collapsed on the floor, giggles racking her small frame.

"I believe, commander, that your technical genius has placed his hand in some vomit." Artemis explained, trying not to laugh. It was that that pushed the commander over the edge. Root joined Holly and Mulch on the floor laughing. Juliet hid her mouth with spangled fingernails, giggling silently. Even Butler was chuckling.

"You scream like a girl, pony-man." Juliet remarked. And as much as Root hated to agree with the Mud people, he had to nod as this statement was aired.

When Foaly had washed, wiped, sterilized and washed his hand multiple times they were finally ready to actually do some improving.

"If we get the Astroturf and place it on this patch of ground then-"

Butler was interrupted by Commander Root.

"One thing. WHAT THE HELL IS ASTROTURF?"

Artemis decided to explain. "It is lawn, already grown, in a strip. You roll it out and there you have it, instant grass."

Mulch had drawn a diagram. Root groaned. "What is it this time, convict? A square being attacked by spaghetti that is supposed to represent Artemis's garden?"

Mulch pouted. "No. It's what I think we should all do to ensure that this garden is grown well."

"Well, it still looks like a squid/slug hybrid. Where the hell did you learn a big word like ensure anyway?"

"If that's your idea of an insult to my diagram, Julius, it isn't. It's just proof that you have a sick mind."

"Good answer, Mulch."

"Thank you, Foaly. Anyway, I think that we should all do different jobs during this project. We'll get more done that way."

"Stroke of genius, Mulch." Holly remarked. "Is that the way you handle break-ins?"

"I will ignore what you just said, Holly, because it's not as fun to insult you as it is to insult Julius. So we need, I think, two people – one strong, one creative – to set up the water feature."

"Oooh! Me! Pick me!" Foaly yelled, jumping up and down.

"I'm assuming you want to be picked as the creative one, not the strong one. Now strong – Butler I think you can do that. We need, hmmmm, two people on the lawn. Maybe Artemis and Julius. And as for me, Juliet and Holly, we can all plant flowers!"

They all went off to their various jobs. Root couldn't believe that he was listening to a convict. But, he supposed, when this failed he could always drop Mulch in prison for a few days. That thought cheered him up.

"C'mon, Mud Worm. Let's get this show on the road!"

**Team One, The water feature, Fowl Manor**

Foaly pranced towards the fallen statue of a flamingo that used to be the water feature.

"So tell me, Mud Man, who in this house likes the water feature?"  
"Missus Fowl and my sister always fed the fish in the pond."

"I'm assuming that the hole in the ground with water in it is the pond. So the flamingo was standing upright in the hole and it spurted out water?"

Butler nodded but his thoughts were elsewhere. There was something he had to ask this centaur. "You? Creative?"

"I'm assuming those two words were your attempt at asking me a question."

Butler sighed and nodded. These geniuses. They were all the same. Sarcastic and patronizing.

Foaly decided a little story telling would come in handy here.

"Yes, I am quite creative. It was my goal when I was at school, to become an artist. Yet, my extensive talents developed in other areas, and good old Julius here hired me for the LEP when I patented several ingenious gadgets that would be of help to them. Now I express my creativity by designing foil hats."

Butler decided not to ask about the foil hats. It would be easier that way.

**Team Two, the grass, Fowl Manor**

Artemis was annoyed. Not that you'd know it from looking at him. He's had enough business associates try to weaken him to know that any sign of emotion at all was a sign of weakness. So, to anyone who didn't know him, Artemis looked like your average criminal genius – cool, calm and evil. And that was how Root saw him.

"Come on, Mud Boy. I need some help rolling out this grass. What's your problem? Afraid to get your fingers dirty?"

Artemis looked down at his fingers. Manicured and delicate and he didn't really want to get them dirty. Not that he couldn't afford to get them re-done, but he was a genius for goodnessake. Geniuses didn't let themselves be pushed into dirtying their nails!

"No, commander. I'll help."

The Commander snorted. "Help. I'm sure. I'll be surprised if you don't make this more difficult for me."

Artemis didn't comment. Something to do with the fact that Root might be right. He picked a roll up from the wheelbarrow and almost collapsed under the weight of it.

Root scowled. "Well, pick it up. It's just grass for heavens sake."

Artemis staggered over to Root, his Armani loafers digging into the dirt. He was really going to have to replace his outfit.

**Team Three, the flower beds, Fowl Manor**

Juliet, Holly and Mulch were gathered under a large tree in the middle of the garden.

"What's the brilliant plan this time, Mulch?" Holly asked.

"You didn't have to sound so sarcastic when you said that, Holly. And, yes, my plan is brilliant. You see, while I turn the soil, you and Mud Girl can plant flowers and vegetables and all that."

"Oh, stroke of genius, Mulch. You should replace Julius as commander." Holly said, bringing out the sarcasm.

Juliet was more worried about the 'turning the soil' part.

"This 'turning soil' business. Does it involve you eating and pooping soil while we plant flowers behind you?"

"Correct."

"Eeeeeeew!"

"You don't have to insult me. I'm trying to help us do this faster."

Holly stepped in. "It's okay, Juliet. Mulch is a professional, as much as I hate to admit it. But, I gotta say, if he doesn't do this right, he'll find another scorch mark on his behind."

Mulch grimaced. "This is the last time I do any of you a favour."

Holly grinned. "You always say that," she reminded him, "But you just keep coming back."

**Team One**

Butler was beginning to doubt Foaly's creative ability.

"You know, Foaly. Maybe there is a reason that you're a computer technician instead of a landscape artist."

"Yes, that reason being that I have the highest intelligence under – and on top of – this earth. I need to serve the People in the best way possible – and that is by beating Opal Koboi."

Butler sighed. There had been no lesson in Madam Ko's academy on telling people that they did not have talents that they thought they actually did have. How could he say this? But before he could figure it out there was a plop and something fell into the pond.

"What the hell was that?" Foaly asked, paranoid as always.

"I don't know." Butler pulled out his Sig Sauer and automatically ran over to Artemis.

"Um… Excuse me?" Foaly asked "We're under attack and you just run over to mud boy over there and leave me unprotected. I feel unloved."

Foaly was actually nervous. He was here without his computers. All he had was a whole lot of water, some cement and his brain. Oh, and a tin foil hat. Can't forget the tin foil hat.

"Sorry!" Juliet cried out. "That was something of Mulch's. Professional, my foot."

"Exactly what of Mulch's?" Butler asked suspiciously.

"Let's just say … Okay, let's just say nothing."

Butler took her word for it. He focused his efforts on fixing the pond so the flamingo didn't look like it was in pain. Foaly had a bright idea to paint the flamingo blue with pink spots but…… it didn't turn out. Butler had a feeling this garden was going to be re modeled when the Fowls got home.

**Team Two**

Half the grass was rolled out and Artemis was breaking into a sweat. This was not his cup of tea. Being outside. Gardening. Physical labour. And it didn't help that Root was there to make a comment about his lack of physical ability when the opportunity arose. This was fifteen times so far.

"How the hell are we going to get this finished with you sitting there, slowly rolling out the grass like you're doing a bloody crosstitch? GET TO WORK MUD WORM!"

"I am working….."

"WORK HARDER!"

Artemis sighed. That was Roots idea of positive encouragement. He wondered exactly why people volunteered to join the LEP.

**Team Three**

Team Three were progressing much better than any of the others. They had planted all but one of the flower/vegetable beds and Mulch's aim was getting better. Juliet didn't get hit at all now. Unfortunatly, Holly wasn't as lucky.

"Honestly, Diggums. You should get into the gardening business." Juliet offered.

"Don't give him any ideas, Juliet. Knowing Mulch he would turn it into an opportunity to steal valuables."

"Hey, good idea, Holly!"

Holly smiled. "Shall I lock you up now, to save myself some time?"

This good natured fighting had been going on for a long time. When they finished the final flower bed they decided to go help the other groups…..

**Team One**

In Foaly's eyes, his creation was the work of a master.

"Eat dirt, Picasso!" he yelled in triumph.

"What was that all about?" Holly asked, appearing next to Butler.

"No idea." Butler said wearily. The centaur was making less sense the more time he spent with him.

"So, what is that, anyway?" Juliet asked.

"Yes, Foaly. What on earth is that?"

Foaly looked hurt, "It's my masterpiece."

"It looks like a…..purple flamingo with a spiky hairdo?"

"It's called ABSTRACT, Holly. Ever heard of abstract?"

Mulch was nodding. "I can see it now. That's really good, Foaly."

Holly groaned. "Between your diagrams, Mulch, and Foaly's sculptures and foil hats you could all be in the running for 'Worst Art Business Ever' award."

Mulch smiled. "I try, Holly. I try."

Holly shook her head. Wait till Root saw this.

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When they had patched up the mess that was Foaly's sculpture, the group headed over to Root and Artemis.

"Yo, Julius! How are you?" Asked Mulch.

Root muttered something under his breath about ungrateful mud people, idiotic convicts and annoying centaurs before uttering one word. "Fine."

Foaly giggled. Which was scary. "I can see which bit of the lawn Artemis helped with."

Next to Root's neat, orderly lines of grass were Artemis's patchy, uneven ones. Being a genius obviously didn't improve his gardening skills.

"Shut up." Root whispered.

"Sorry, Julius. Didn't catch that."

"SHUT UP PONY BOY! I DON'T SEE YOU DOING MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!"

Foaly gestured towards his fountain.

"Look and weep, Commander."

Root looked and wept. With laughter. Soon he was collapsed on the ground, breathless with laughter. In fact, most of the group had joined him. Foaly pouted.

"I am truly an unappreciated genius," he said, wounded, and flounced off.

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Once Foaly had calmed down and Root apologized to Foaly (While giggling behind his hand. And, trust me, it was very strange to see Root giggle.) they all looked at the garden they had created.

"It's not going to win any awards any time soon, " Holly said, "But it'll do."

Don Eferk appeared on the screen. "Does this mean that you have finished?"

"Yup!" Said Juliet.

"Well, there you have it Haven! This episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style is finished but tune in next week to see who is going to be eliminated! Eferk, OUT!"

AUTHORS NOTE:

I don't care if you hate this – just tell me if you do! Come on people, vote! Review! And I'll be your best friend forever! Or not. But please review. I love hearing from you!

Seeyas!


	6. Strictly Ballroom!

AUTHORS NOTE:

Only two votes? I'm hurt. Really. But thanxs soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to all of my lovely, great, fantastic reviewers who I totally and completely love! You guys are so nice to me! Anyway, since the two votes were for different people I had to choose (Awwwww!). Anyway, Commander Root being one of my favourite characters, I could hardly vote him out could I? So here is:

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style**

**Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage**

"Hello Haven and welcome to Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! I am your host, Don Eferk, and here are your contestants!"

With the applause of the audience ringing in their ears, Holly and the rest all stood up.

"I regret to say that leaving us today is…………..Juliet Butler!"

Juliet stood up. She briefly considered wrestling the security gnomes that were leading her up to the host but then decided against it. She would probably be arrested for it. And, besides, her brother was watching. She wanted him to be proud of her. Getting arrested would hardly help anything. So, after all that, she walked calmly towards the host to receive her prize. A kettle.

"Great. What the hell am I going to do with a kettle?"

Don Eferk waved her away. "Goodbye and goodluck to Juliet Butler! And, for the rest of you, the next stage of the competition will be…….. Strictly Ballroom!"

**Gail's Dance Studios, Off the main tunnel, Haven City**

Artemis Fowl didn't know what to think. This was a historic moment. Well, actually, he did know what to think – it was either that he was looking forward to the next stage of the competition or he wasn't. Because, if it was Ballroom dancing, well that would be okay. When he used to go to civilized dinners with his parents they would dance, little Artemis standing on people's feet. Artemis shuddered. It was a cute picture. But boy geniuses are not supposed to be cute.

_Well_, he reasoned, _if I learn to dance properly I can look educated and civilized without looking cute._

"What's the matter, Mud Boy? Nervous?" It was Holly.

"Not in the least, Captain. You might be interested to know that I have actually done ballroom dancing previously to this little endeavor."

Holly grimaced. "Okay, fine. By the way, we should probably be listening to what the host fairy has to say."

And it was true. Don Eferk was explaining to them about the next task.

"This is Skye, she will be teaching you to dance. Now, normally this show would be about Ballroom Dancing. However, some of the younger fairies that watch this show have been complaining about the fact that some of the dancing is too old fashioned. In light of that, we have been losing ratings to MTV. So for this we will be learning three types of dance – jazz, tap and classical! So, have fun and keep dancing!"

And with that he left.

The others were in shock. Until the pretty pixie with the long blonde hair tossed her head and spoke.

"Hi to you all! As Donny mentioned, my name is Skye and I will be-"

Commander Root found his voice. "WHAT THE D'ARVITING HELL? I AM NOT DANCING! NOT JAZZ, NOT TAP, ESPECIALLY NOT BALLET!"

"Your name is Julius, right? I think that you will notice in the contract that you signed that you are actually obliged to participate in this-"

"YOU LISTEN TO ME, PIXIE GIRL, TO YOU MY NAME IS COMMANDER ROOT! IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED I AM COMMANDER OF THE LEPRECON UNIT!"

"Good, good. This dancing will help you with fitness and flexibility. As I was saying, today we will be learning jazz, tomorrow classical and the following day we will learn tap. Now, laid out for you here are some clothes to wear. Holly, you will be wearing these jazz pants and this singlet. The rest of you boys will wear jazz pants and a black shirt. Or no shirt if you prefer but…."

Foaly whinnied. "What about me? I sort of…. Don't wear pants."

"Aaah, yes. The centaur. You can wear what you're wearing now. But use this shirt instead. Everyone good?"

No one answered except for the odd grumbling from Mulch and the commander. They all slunk off to get changed.

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"Okay guys! And girl! Are you ready to dance?"

No one answered. Foaly leaned over to Root. "Hey, Julius! Looking good!"

Root shot Foaly a poisonous glare. "Shut your mouth, pony. One more crack about these clothes and you'll wake up one morning to find your hair shaved off and-"

"Men, men. Break it up, break it up. There's no call for fighting! Dancing is universal, an expressional language spoken by all the children of the world."

"What the hell is she on about?" Root asked Foaly.

"She just told us that dancing was universal, blah, blah, blah. But in answer to your question – no idea."

"Okay, we'll get into two lines and warm up. Mulch, Julius and Holly in the front, the rest in the back. And a one, two, three, four!"

A human pop song, Jerk it Out by the Ceasers, blasted out of a huge speaker.

"And, step, clap, step, clap! One two three four! Come on people!"

The contestants half-heartedly attempted the simple sidestep. But, unfortunately, expertise in the dancing area was not a requirement for admission into the LEP academy. And it was even harder for Foaly. After eight counts Artemis, Foaly and Root were in tangled heaps on the floor. Mulch and Holly were killing themselves laughing.

"C'mon, get back up!" Skye stopped the music. "Let's go over it slowly. Step to the side with your right leg, touch with your left leg. Repeat on the other side. That's it, Butler! Look, everyone! Butler's got it!"

Butler blushed. At Madame Ko's academy, dancing was a compulsory subject.

Holly smirked at Artemis. "Not so confident now, Mud Boy?"

Artemis regarded her coolly. "For your informat-" He stopped. Talking and dancing required too much concentration. He settled on giving her a vampire smile, instead. Holly smirked again.

"Okay, guys, let's try something new. Watch me, right? Okay, step-ball-change, step, step. Step-ball-change, step, step. One and two, three, four. One and two, three, four."

They attempted the step. Holly's legs got tangled up and she almost fell over. Root would have chuckled if he hadn't been so caught up in his own dance movement. He'd known all of these people pretty well before this entire thing. But seeing them like this, in environments so unfamillier to them all, it was different. He was getting to know the lot of them heaps better. And he didn't think it was a bad thing.

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Foaly was having a tiny bit of trouble. That being that the dance steps were designed for two legged creatures and he had four. He had a huge bruise on his elbow from falling on it and he hadn't used hoof mosturiser for days! And the next step that Skye taught them was step-kick-step-step. He was a centaur! Centaurs were not supposed to try and kick their legs high at all! But every cloud has its silver lining. And this was no different. He only had to look at Julius and everything seemed okay again. Because the commander was having more trouble than he was!

"Okay, guys! You're doing (cough) great! Really! So now we're going to get into groups of about three and you can make up a jazz dance and show it to the rest of us!"

Skye's announcement was not met with excitement. Quite the opposite, actually. Root went so far as to growl. This was just not turning into a good day for him.

Foaly, Root and Artemis were in a group together. Which was a pity because none of them were exactly fabulous dancers. Skye put in the CD. The song was Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani. Foaly (the only one who had heard of Gwen Stefani) groaned.

"Where are you getting all of these human pop songs, anyway?"

Artemis was shocked. "This is a human song?"

Root was also surprised. "How do you know about human music, centaur."

Foaly shuffled uncomfortably. "I, y'know, need to….. know what kind of technology humans are experimenting with. And I might just have accidentally hooked into the Mud Man internet and…… bought songs from the itunes music store."

Root's face began to gain colour. Lot's of colour. "And when exactly did this happen?"

Foaly tried to look vague. "Some time when…."

"You were supposed to be working?"

"Yes. NO! NO! It was…."

Artemis smirked. "Now, you two, we need to work out our dance as a TEAM."

Root looked disgruntled but decided to take Artemis's advice. "Mud Boy is right. What should we do?"

They looked at each other for a few moments. Blankly. None of them knew the first thing about dancing. But if Foaly had heard human music them maybe……

"Why are you all looking at me?" Asked Foaly uncomfortably. "I don't…. Oh no. I'm not-"

"Yes you are! Come on centaur! Show us your stuff!"

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Holly, Butler and Mulch were also a group. They were slightly more skilled as a group than Artemis and co but only because Butler was skilled. Holly was okay and Mulch was…. Less skilled than Holly. Way less.

"What should we do?" Asked Holly.

"Dance. Duh." Said Mulch.

"No way!" Holly said, sarcastically, of course. "I meant, what dance steps should we do?"

"If I was a rich girl, nananananananananananananaaaaaa!" Sang Mulch. Out of tune. Holly sighed and turned to Butler. He groaned inwardly. Where in the bodyguard manual was this?

"Say, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl!"

"Shut the hell up, Mulch!" Holly lost her patience.

"Well," started Butler, noticing that no work was getting done, "We could…."

**The next day**

Today, the group was doing classical dancing. The previous day had not gone well. And the less said about the creative dance, the better. When they saw Skye that day she looked slightly less enthusiastic. And she had a package of headache tablets on her table, next to the CD player.

"Hey everybody. Sup? Today we're going to do classical dancing, one of my personal favourites. If you, Holly, could put on these tights, a leotard, this t-shirt and this skirt then that would be fabulous."

Holly grunted something that was either 'I love this' or a colourful swear word. Take your pick. She took the clothes and went into the toilets.

"And, the rest of you. Here are some tights, leotards and, if you feel a bit self conscious, shorts and t-shirts to wear over them."

They walked out, muttering various curses and put on their clothes.

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"Looking good, Holly!" Yelled Foaly, the master of subtleness.

Due to the graphic nature of her response, the author will not print it here. The good thing is that Foaly didn't even need stitches!

Skye got the unlikely dancers to stand at the barre.

Mulch groaned. "I was actually looking forward to this part." He complained to Root. "I mean, bar? As in, get drunk at the bar? But THIS? This is NOT a bar."

"And there ain't going to be any bars where you're going when I get my hands on you."

"Oh," Mulch said, infuriatingly. "Where will that be? A bank?"

Commander Root's response was cut short by Skye. "When I start the music I want you to do a plie exercise. It goes like this."

She demonstrated. "Two demi-plies in first position, one grand plie and point to the side and transferre to second position. Repeat in second, transferre to third position. Repeat, transferre to first position again and that's all!"

The rinky-dinky piano music played and they all attempted to complete the exercise.

"Turn out, Julius! Turn out!"

Julius growled and muttered something under his breath.

"Back straight! Mulch, don't slouch! Remember POSTURE! Suck in your stomach, straighten your back, tuck your bottom in!"

Root, Holly and Butler chuckled at the sight of Mulch trying to follow all these directions at once.

"And, Artemis! Demi plie means that your heels stay ON THE GROUND! Just go halfway! And don't stick your bottom out when you come up!"

Artemis frowned. Was everyone here out to completely RUIN his dignity? Because it sure felt like it.

"Foaly! Grand plies in second position do not have your heels lifted up!"

Holly snorted. She thought that there was a good reason Foaly didn't become a ballerina.

"Holly! Remember your turn out when you point your foot! And round your arms! Not too much, just enough so they look GRACEFUL! And SMILE! HAPPILY!"

It was Artemis's turn to laugh at the Captain. She was doing everything without the slightest hint of grace or enjoyment. It was quite funny, really.

"Butler! Fabulous! Everyone look at Butler's third position! It is just what I asked for!"

Butler blushed a deep scarlet. This was EMBARRASSING!

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It was break time for the contestants. Mulch's pores were sucking water from a tap.  
"Do you have to do that?" Asked Holly.

"No." Replied Mulch. "But I can drink more water this way!"

"Isn't that just fabulous!"

Artemis was drinking out of a water bottle with a straw. He was tired. This was NOT for him. Dancing? Did that sound like just another average thing for a boy genius to do? No! He then realized that Foaly was talking to him.

"Having fun?"

Artemis put on a calm, cool face. "Not really. You?"

"Hey, I'm just dreading to think what the technical assistants have done to my computer system while I've been gone!"

But Foaly was annoyed about more than that. Firstly, he was worried about someone hacking into his computer system. Second, he didn't enjoy dancing. And, third, he hadn't used hoof mosturiser in DAYS! His hooves were about to wither up, they were so dry. For those un-informed about centaurs, this was not a good thing.

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"Now, same drill. You get into groups – different this time – and make up a dance to a song," Skye said, with slightly less enthusiasm than before.

They all (except Butler) groaned in unison. This time Artemis, Holly and Root were a group and Butler, Mulch and Foaly were another group. Artemis hoped that this would go better than last time.

"What should we do?" Holly asked the general group assembled.

Artemis and Root shrugged. For once Artemis had nothing to contribute. This was a first. It almost made Holly laugh. Until she realized that meant she or Root had to think of something to do.

"If we all come on stage from different places…….Yep, there, there and there, and run on stage? But gracefully, you know. And then if we all come together and strike a pose for three counts? It looks d'arvitingly bad but it's probably better then what the other group can do."

Root and Artemis nodded, not bothering to look over at the other group. Any dance with Foaly and Mulch involved in it, was liable to turn into a big mess of gas and tangled up legs. Not a pretty picture.

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Mulch was amusing himself by singing the lyrics to Rich Girl to the classical music.

"If I waaaaaaaaaaaas, A riiiiiiiiiiiich girllllllllllllllllllllll, naaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-"

This greatly annoyed Foaly, who prided himself on being the annoying one – NOT the one getting annoyed.

"Can you please save the singing for your choir meeting?" Foaly snapped.

"Alas, I have no choir meeting. But if any of you want to join a choir with me, the offer is always open."

Butler and Foaly shook their heads rapidly. No way.

"Oh well. I bet my cousin Nord'll join with me. We'll finally be making a honest living!"

Foaly doubted this would ever happen. The words honest and Mulch Diggums did not belong in the same sentence.

"Can we just decide what to do? Get it over with?" He asked.

"But Foaly. Get it over with? I'm hurt. Still, I get your point. Any ideas, Mud Mountain?" Mulch asked Butler. Butler didn't really know how to respond to the 'mountain' remark. He decided not to. "Well, we could stand in a line and, I don't know, plie?"

"Creative, aren't you? We'll just sit there and plie. We need a better idea."

Foaly was happy to help. "I am the creative one here, aren't I? By the way, that was a rhetorical question. Anyway, what if we stand in a line and run around in a wave pattern. If it works properly it'll look absolutely amazing!"

But, as Foaly was about to realize, things do not always work properly.

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"Hey guys! I've been watching all of your (cough) imaginative pieces. If you could all gather round and Julius, Artemis and Holly can show us what they've gotten up to in the last half hour!" Skye's energy had been revived after two and a half headache pills and two energy bars. She started the music and, as the others watched with a sort of weird fascination, they began dancing.

Artemis tripped over during the pirouette thing that Holly had rigged up and sat there for a few moments, dazed and dizzy while Butler contemplated going and helping his employer and Root and Holly attempted to pretend it was meant to happen. They did a few releves (I don't know how to spell it – but I know what it is! Trust me – I do ballet!) in unison before Root landed awkwardly on his ankle, broke it and hopped instead of running for the whole six seconds it took for the blue sparks to fix it. Artemis joined the group at this point as they kneeled down in the corner and stayed there, moving their arms weirdly to the music until it finished, thirty seconds later.

"And that is why Commander Root did not become a ballerina." Foaly said as the others clapped. Root shot a poisonous glance at Mulch who was sniggering into his hand and Foaly who was also giggling (Scary). He made a mental note to laugh extra hard at whatever they had cooked up.

The music started and Foaly, Mulch and Butler ran around the room in what looked like random directions, but had taken Foaly fifteen minutes to choreograph. Fifteen minutes wasted. They eventually stopped in a diagonal where they sat in a swan-type pose for three counts. They then ran to a line where Mulch and Foaly attempted a few jumps and Butler, at Foaly's instruction, attempted the splits. They looked, and felt like crazy, idiotic, random and freaky lunatics. It was bad. Very bad. And Commander Root was having the time of his life. Even Artemis had to smirk a lot harder than usual. Butler and Mulch had the public shame to blush but Foaly just pouted, muttered something about unappreciated genius and clip-clopped off the nearest internet café to hack into the LEPrecon files. It took four bags of carrots and two cartons of beetle juice to lure him back and after eating all that he felt sick. Not a good start for the next part of the competition…..

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They got dressed, noiselessly, into the clothes that they had from the first day and buckled up the tap shoes. Having never tap danced before, it was a pleasant surprise to all of the contestants to find out that the shoes made a noise when you walked with them. They had to stand at the barre again and watched as Skye demonstrated a simple front slap, back slap combination (also known as the shuffle) and instructed them to try it. Mulch was having the time of his life, giggling every time he hit the floor with his foot.

"Shut up, convict!" Yelled Root finally.

"Sorry, Julius. In case you hadn't noticed, these shoes make noise anytime you step with them. I can't help it!"

"ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I HADN'T NOTICE THAT THESE SHOES MAKE NOISE, CONVICT! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I AM AN IDIOT? I THINK THAT YOU CAN HELP THE FACT YOUR SHOES MAKE SUCH A LOUD NOISE!"

"Now, commander. Quiet down." Foaly decided to add his two cents. "As Mulch said, you might realize that your shoes make noise but by asking Mulch to tap quieter you are demonstrating a low understanding of the way these shoes work."

Root did not speak but made a few motions in the air, one rude, the other like a pair of scissors to symbolize… Foaly gulped. Budget cuts. He busied himself learning the time step Skye was now demonstrating.

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Holly enjoyed tap dancing. It was fun, when you thought about it. Not only were you making a cool noise with your feet, you could tap out any rhythm to any music you wanted. Artemis was not on the same wavelength as the elf. He leant heavily on the bar, his beats were soft due to the non-existent strength in his legs and ankles, and his movements were awkward. Butler was good at tap dancing but he didn't look like he was enjoying it. He just looked like he was trying to suppress every memory he'd ever picked up in the last three days. Fun.

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"Okay, now it's time for more creative dance!" Skye yelled. "And, before you groan, lighten up! Dance is expression for your soul! Feel the music and let the beat spread through your entire body! Dance, my little dancers, dance!"

Artemis wondered what had really been in those pills she had taken the previous day. He made a mental note to investigate further…..when he was out of this mess.

Inevitably, the creative tap dance had not gone well. If Artemis hadn't been able to dance on the barre, there was no hope that he would ever dance OFF the barre. As for Foaly, the disadvantage to having four legs was there were more limbs to get tangled up in. Holly and Butler had done okay, currently Holly was contemplating joining a tap group. And Mulch and Root had done as well as expected: Not well at all. But by the time they got back to police plaza they were all in one piece and hardly emotionally scarred at all! And all counseling bills were paid for by the TV station. Now all that remained to be seen to was who would be voted out and what the next task would be. And they would find that out next time on Reality TV: Lower Elements Style.

AUTHORS NOTE:

Sorry. Bad ending. I have to rush, go eat lunch, play tennis and then I'm going ice-skating for a friends b'day. Um, now that I've written that I noticed it would have been better to vote out Butler than Juliet – I can re-do it if anyone else thinks this too. A special thanks to FetishFemale, your reviews (and everyone else's) have been totally encouraging. Don't forget to vote! Seeya!


	7. Big Brother!

AUTHORS NOTE:

I have 40 reviews! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Thank you sooooooooooooo much everyone! I have 8 votes. But, you crazy people, Mulch is the most voted for by 2 votes. If it was up to me, Butler would go. But I did say that you could all vote and that so……….. Mulch will go. I still think you people are totally crazy though. But thanks anyway! So, just so you know, the housmates task in the big brother thing was not my idea – it is actually something that is happening in the current series of Big Brother over here. So now for:

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style**

**Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage**

"Hello Haven, and welcome to another episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! My name is Don Eferk, I am your host, and here are your contestants!"

The audience burst into wild applause. Mulch stood up, considering his options. No matter how funny it was watching Julius and Artemis get humiliated, his bones were crying out for the tunnels. And, even though dwarf bones didn't have any extraordinary powers, he usually did what they told him to do. He could go dig a hole now but….. people would notice. And those security gnomes were STRONG! Plus, everybody would see him. So this is why Mulch Diggums had decided to wait until the next task to escape. Or would have, if not for what happened next.

"And going tonight, " Said Don, in that really annoying way all reality TV show hosts seem to have perfected, "Is………. Mulch Diggums!"

Mulch smirked. This was his chance. He skipped up to the stage and collected his '_101 ways to cook apples_' book and allowed himself to be escorted off stage. But, while in the wings, he looked directly at Julius, waited until Julius was looking at him (which actually took quite a long time) and mouthed: "So long, sucker!" Then he was gone, burrowing deep into the dirt. Time to get himself a nice little hell hole where the LEP wouldn't find him.

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Commander Root was fairly happy that Mulch had gotten voted off. Now, there was no pesky convict to giggle at him while he messed things up. But then a waving figure in the wings caught his eye. What the d'arvit? It was Diggums! A growl emerged from his throat. The convict was mouthing something at him. And the commander was no lip reader but what with the gestures Mulch was making with his hands it was pretty obvious. The little reprobate was telling him to go and get stuffed! He leapt up, but then the dwarf disappeared into the dirt. Root sighed. So much work to do, so little time. And there was also the small matter of him being on a TV show.

"So, contestants, the next part of the competition is…….. Big Brother!"

**The Big Brother House, Some unknown location, The Lower Elements**

"This is big brother." A voice filtered through the house, "Housemates, to the living room."

Holly, Artemis, Butler, Foaly and Root were carrying various bags and suitcases. They all went to a place they assumed to be the living room.

"Housemates."

"Big Brother," answered Foaly.

"Welcome to the Big Brother house. You may put away your luggage and come back here to find out about this weeks task."

So they all trailed into room after room, trying to find the bedroom.

"Hey look, a training room!"

"This is a bathroom. Eew, a bathroom INSIDE the house?"

"Do you think the bedroom will be outside?"

"I would believe that this is the bedroom."

The last one was Artemis. He opened the door. Inside were five double beds.

"Ooh, a bed each!" Foaly said, excited. He jumped onto a bed, grabbed the pillow and yelled "Pillow fight!"

As Holly got out another pillow and started whacking Foaly with it, Commander Root sighed. He was, by far, the oldest here. And the difference in maturity was obvious. He glanced at Artemis. The Mud Boy was far too interested in examining the complex one way window/mirror system. It was left up to him, Julius Root, to put the housemates into order.

"Everyone! Big Brother told us to put away our stuff and get to the living room quickly!"

"Yeah, and you are what? Our commander?" Foaly asked.

"Actually, I am."

"Nuh-uh. That was in Police land. Here, Julius, you are nothing but our equal."

"WHY YOU LITTLE- I'M SORRY, PONY BOY, BUT 'POLICE LAND' IS AN ACTUAL PLACE AND, NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY THIS PLACE IS FROM IT, I AM STILL YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER AND YOU WILL STILL OBEY AND RESPECT ME!"

"Well, me not being an officer and all, you are not actually a SUPERIOR officer to me. Howev-" Foaly stopped. Roots face was turning red, his cigarette was getting more crushed by the second and the motions he was making with his hands were making it all to clear. Budget cuts. The centaur gulped. How was he supposed to be a genius with limited funds? He decided, wisely, to shut up.

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So, once everyone had put away their tracksuits, LEP suits, shirts and designer suits, they all went to the living room once again.

"This is big brother. Housemates, you will notice there are dummies outside, next to the pool. These will be your dance partners."

Holly groaned. Not more dancing! She would almost prefer to deal with Chix Verbil back at Police Plaza than this. Almost.

"Today, housemates will decorate their dummies using the provided materials. You will start dance lessons tomorrow. That is all."

"More dancing? Noooooo!" Foaly was annoyed. Visibly. But he followed the rest of them into the backyard.

"Hey, a spa!" Holly was excited.

"Hey, a pool!" Foaly enjoyed swimming. He knew five types of dog-paddle.

If Butler wasn't 40 years old, a body guard and a guy, he would have been squealing with delight over the weight machines, treadmills and bikes. So instead, he contented himself with looking at them with an extra interested spark in his eye. But the thing that captured Root and Artemis's eyes was not any of the extravagant luxuries that came with the big brother house, it was the five dummies laid out on a mat in the centre of the lawn. Oh dear. There was one male elf dummy, two female human dummies, one female elf dummy and one centaur female dummy.

"Paint to decorate dummies," Artemis read off the top of the paint tins.

"EVERYONE! STOP ADMIRING THE HOUSE AND GET THE HELL OVER HERE!" Root yelled, getting down to business. Holly, Butler and Foaly wandered over.

"So we what? Paint the dummies faces?" Holly asked.

"That was what was just said, wasn't it?" Artemis asked.

"Fine, Mud Boy. I got that."

"I never said you didn't."

Holly sighed. It was annoying arguing with geniuses. They always managed to annoy you, proclaim their brilliance and imply that you were stupid, in one sentence. She opened a tin of light brown paint and painted her dummy's white face. She then looked around. "What the hell are you doing Foaly?"

"It's called 'being creative.'" Pouted the centaur. "I am not bound by society's restricting images of the average centaur, instead, by pushing boundries and working outside the square, I am using the left (AN: Or possibly right) side of my brain to create a masterpiece that can only be enjoyed by those of higher mental capacity, namely – myself."

"For goodnessake, Foaly, you've painted it purple, green and blue. With a bit of brown."

"As I said before, only those of higher mental capacity can truly appreciate my masterpiece." He smirked patronizingly. "For example, not you."

Holly was annoyed. "Well then why don't we just ask one of those of 'higher mental capacity.' Artemis, what do you think of Foaly's , er, 'masterpiece'?"

Artemis looked. "I think that Foaly may have a slight lack of perceptual sensitivity to certain colors."

Foaly looked wounded. The others just looked confused.

Artemis smirked. "Sorry, I forget that there are some others whose mentality has not matured. In other words, friends, the centaur is probably colour-blind."

"I am not!" Yelled Foaly. But his protests fell on deaf ears.

"Yes!" Commander Root agreed. "I had no idea why he kept insisting that my face was turning green. But it must have been RED and he got confused!"

"Yeah, come on Foaly. You're a genius. You must have seen this coming." Holly hit Foaly playfully on the shoulder.

"Actually, Holly, you're right. I am a genius, with the highest tested IQ under the earth. So, it stands to reason that I am right when you are not. I AM NOT COLOUR BLIND!" And with that Foaly busied himself in painting the face of his dummy, trying to ignore the chuckles aimed his way.

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"This is Big Brother. Housemates, to the living room."

They all sat down on the plush couches in the living room.

"As it is your first night here, Big Brother is providing dinner for you. Go to the store, where you will find your meal already provided."

Holly was starving and she raced off with Foaly. Root had the dignity to at least slow down to a power walk and Butler, under Artemis's instruction, waited for them to return with the food.

"What do you think of our current situation, Butler?" Asked Artemis.

Butler shrugged. He had no idea.

"As far as I can see, there is no way out of the house, and even if there were, we are on live TV and there is no way of leaving without being seen."

Butler nodded. "Master Artemis, I believe that this is the most secure prison I have ever been enclosed in."

Artemis nodded thoughtfully. "I must think harder."

And there was no doubt in Butlers mind that, if there was a way out, Master Artemis would find it.

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"Pass the carrots, Holly." Mumbled Foaly through a mouthful of half-chewed salad.

Holly held the bowl slightly out of his reach. "Honestly, Foaly, you are such an…. an…. un-mannered fairy!"

Artemis reached for his water glass. "I believe the term is ill-mannered."

Root had to agree. "elbows on the table, talking with mouth full, not sitting properly on chair-"

"Hey!" Foaly had to protest. "What is this? Pick on Foaly day? Have any of you actually tried to sit on a chair with FOUR LEGS? I can tell you, it's not all fun and games."

"Okay, okay." Holly said, laughing. "We'll stop picking on you. What would you mother say about your manners, though?"

Foaly was about to answer when:

"This is big brother. Foaly, to the diary room."

"He's probably calling to complain about the fact you're putting viewers off their dinner with your table manners."

Foaly shot Root a sparing glance but trotted off to the diary room.

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"Foaly."

"Big Brother!"

"I have a mission for you, Foaly."

Foaly frowned. The voice sounded familiar. But he couldn't even do a search for similar vocal patterns without his computers. He sighed. How he missed his computers. 10 weeks without them? It was enough to make a computer geek go mad.

"Do you accept the mission, Foaly."

Foaly ran a mental check. Nope, Big Brother hadn't actually told him what the mission was.

"What is the mission?"

"You must either accept or deny the mission."

"So, I'm not allowed to know what the mission is?"

"No."

"Oh. Well how am I supposed to decide what to do?"

Big Brothers voice slightly changed then. "You're the genius, pony-boy!" Their was some muffled speech in the background. Then Big Brothers voice came back. "If you complete this mission successfully, you will guarantee the housemates will successfully complete this week's task."

"What is this week's task?"

"Didn't I tell you?" There was more muffled speech in the background. Foaly narrowed his eyes. Something weird was going on here. "Oh. So I didn't. This week you and the other housemates will learn the tango and will have to dance it properly for me at the end of the week. If you successfully do this, you get to leave the house. If not, you stay here. Foaly, if you successfully complete the mission you will guarantee their task is completed properly. If not, they will not get to leave the house."

Foaly thought about it for all of two seconds. If he could somehow let all of them out of the house, they'd have to stop teasing him! "I accept."

"Very well. Here is your task. You need to deliberately sabotage the housemate's weekly task."

"Okay. How do you propose I do that?"

"You must hide the heads of three of the housemates dummies before the end of the week. You have five days. You must tell no one about this task. If you are caught, deny everything. That is all."

Foaly got up and left the room. This was getting interesting.

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"Did Big Brother tell you off for being a slob?" Was the first thing Foaly heard when he walked in the room. He said nothing, opting to give the housemates a sly smile. Or what he thought was a sly smile.

"That bad, huh?" Asked Holly. She turned to the commander. "We'd better stop teasing him. He doesn't like it."

This comment earned Foaly a lot of scorn. He flicked his tail, slightly miffed.

"For your information I-" He stopped. He couldn't reveal the information to them yet. He mumbled something under his breath, gave them a smile and cut a slice of carrot cake. Mmmmm, carrot cake. It made him feel a lot better, stopped him from answering Julius's questions and he could eat the whole thing himself, if Holly or Julius didn't decide they wanted a slice. For now, life was good.

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That night, while the housemates were snoring gently (or, in Commander Root's case, not so gently) Foaly crept out. He pulled a jacket over his pyjama top, paused only to contemplate taking a photo of Artemis (who was dribbling) decided against it and continued out. He went to the living room, where the dummies were kept, and looked around. There were five heads, any of which he could take. But which one should he take? _Hmmm… Let's go for Commander Root's._

"Sayonara, sweetheart!" Foaly said, pulling the head off and walking back into the bedroom. He stopped. If he walked into the bedroom now, with a dummies head in his hand, it would be sort of obvious to everyone, no matter how dumb, that he had taken the head. It was three o'clock in the morning and he had perhaps five minutes before Butler - who was a light sleeper and could get up at the first hint of trouble - heard his hooves, suspected the centaur was plotting to kill Artemis, and come out to investigate. So, against a more awake centaur's better judgement, Foaly crept into the bathroom and attempted to flush the dummy head down the toilet. Un-surprisingly, the head didn't flush properly. Foaly decided against pulling the head out of the toilet and sighed and went back to bed, preferring to tackle the problem in the morning.

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It was Artemis's scream that woke everyone up the next morning. Well, that and the fact Butler immediately pulled out his Sig Saur, stood at the door and yelled: "Intruder, beware! I am armed and prepared to kill you!"

This is more effective than the loudest alarm. Upon waking up, the housemates went into the bathroom to find Artemis standing there, looking at the toilet.

Holly went for some sarcasm. "Yes, Mud boy, it disturbed me too to find a toilet inside but…. You're a genius! It's just a toilet."

Artemis gave them a look that would have shriveled a flower and attempted to gather what was left of his dignity.

"I realize that, friends. I…. it…. It just shocked me….." It was hard to act sophisticated towards people that have just discovered you looking at a TOILET in shock.

Butler patted his young master on the shoulder. "It's okay, Artemis. It's just a-" he leaned into the toilet, jumped back and, if he wasn't 40, a bodyguard and a guy, would have screamed. Foaly realized what was happening.

"I- need to go get a drink." He stammered, before exiting the room abruptly. Julius scowled at him before looking into the toilet. He jumped back, banging into Butler.

"Yeep!"

Holly had to laugh. "Hey, commander! That's the head of your dummy!"

Root looked back in the toilet. D'Arvit! She was right! He shot her a look. She was either shivering or laughing. He was willing to bet she was laughing. He was right. D'Arvit!

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After all the business with the toilet and the dummy head (which no one seemed to want to remove) the housemates had built up quite an appetite. They went to the kitchen where they found Foaly eating the rest of the carrot cake.

"I might have wanted that!" Holly yelled.

"Too bad, Captain!" Foaly yelled back. He picked up a knife and fork, making a cross with them. "You'll have to get past me first!"

In a few seconds he was on the ground and Holly was eagerly eating a very large slice of cake. Artemis was looking at them with the well known '_I'm supposed to socialize with THEM?_' expression on his face.

"Butler, is there anything else I could partake in eating?"

Butler methodically searched through the pantry. He eventually pulled out a box of 'Frost Flakes.' This time Artemis looked at him with a '_You expect me to eat THAT?_' expression on his face.

"Any camembert?" He asked, desperate. Butler shook his head. "Any caviar? Don't they even have scrambled eggs?" The answer was, again, negative. Artemis sighed. He would never complain about the food in Saint Bartlebys again.

After breakfast, Commander Root wanted a shower. He stepped under the shower head, turned the water on, waited the few seconds it usually took for the water to warm up in the Lower Elements and stepped in. He immediately jumped out.

"D'Arvit, D'arvit, D'ARVIT!" He screamed. As usual, this brought the whole house running. They barged in, saw him and crept out. Root blushed, put on some clothes and went to talk to Big Brother. And when I say talk, I mean more like shout.

"WHAT THE D'ARVIT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, CIVILIAN? I GO CHECK THE HOT WATER THING (AN: I can't remember what it's called) AND THE HOT WATER ISN'T EVEN TURNED ON! I COULD HAVE CAUGHT HYPERTHERMIA! ANYTHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED! I COULD HAV-"

"Julius, Big Brother has-"

"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS! THE NAME IS EITHER COMMANDER ROOT OR SIR!"

A strange noise emerged from the microphone. It sounded like giggling. "As I was (hee hee) saying bef (heehee)ore, Big (hee hee) Broth-"

Here, the voice erupted into a giggling fit. And if Root didn't know better, he would have thought the giggle was very familiar…..

"Is that you, Mulch?"

The giggling fit stopped. "oops." Said the voice. There was a muffled conversation. Then the voice came back. But this time it sounded different. "Yes, Julius, it is-"

Commander Root could have yelled at Mulch about the 'Julius' thing. However, he was too busy being amused to do this. "Please explain."

The dwarf giggled again. "You see, these movie people, they just couldn't resist my natural charm and charisma so-"

Root had to interrupt. "Charm? Charisma? I find that hard to believe."

"There was also the fact that I might have possibly, accidentally….. Well, you remember when I got booted off the show? Actually, I suspect an error in the voting. How could the public of Haven possibly want me off the show?"

A growl emerged from Roots throat. "Get on with it."

"So, I burrowed under the stage. Unfortunatly, underneath the stage is the dressing room. Which just so happened to have, oh, about ten security gnomes just sitting on their well-trained behinds just waiting for someone to break in and the end result was… painful. Yet I managed to charm my way into getting a gig here and when this thing is over I think I'll go escape to Hawaii or somewhere relaxing. Oops. I shouldn't have said that."

But Root had sprung to his feet and was already talking into the communicater strapped to his wrist. "I have located rogue dwarf, Mulch Diggums-" He stopped. There was no communicater strapped to his wrist. "YOU LITTLE-"

Mulch nodded. "Yep. Couldn't have you communicating with the outside world." He put on his Big Brother voice. "and, Julius, the hot water will be activated when I feel like it. Don't tell anyone about me being big brother. That is all. You may leave."

Swearing under his breath, Root left.

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"Artemis, to the diary room."

Artemis stopped trying to determine if the painting on the wall was a fake and stepped into the diary room.

"Artemis."

"Greetings."

"As you may know, there is someone stealing dummy heads."

Artemis was offended. "I can assure you, Big Brother, that, as a genius, I have known for quite some time that someone is stealing dummy heads."

"I will assign you a mission. Do you accept this mission?"

"Yes." Artemis didn't know what was going on here. He suspected a conspiracy. But the best way to find out was to accept the mission.

"You must catch the person who is stealing the dummy heads IN THE ACT OF STEALING IT."

Artemis nodded. There was no one better to catch a thief than a thief. And Artemis was quite possibly the best thief in the world.

"You may leave."

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It was day two of the housemates stay in the house. Foaly had three more days to hide two dummy heads. He decided it would be good to hide one today. He got up bright and early to find Artemis Fowl sitting in a chair, meditating. Maybe if he just crept past…… Foaly tip toed past Artemis. Unfortunately, due to the fact centaur hooves are not made for tip toeing, he ended up clip-clopping and Artemis was jerked from his concentration.

"Foaly. What brings you to this part of the house?"

"I'm….. going to the toilet." The centaur fibbed. Artemis looked amused.

"The toilet is that way." He pointed. Foaly scowled. The Irish kid was right!

"You're right."

Artemis nodded. "I usually am."

Foaly grinned. "I'll watch out for scary heads in the toilets!" And with that, he was gone, not even sparing a second to see Artemis's disgruntled face.

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Butler was pumping iron, Holly was cycling and Root was doing chin-ups on a bar when Foaly came out.

"What is this? A We-are-all-liscenced-to-kill fitness session?" He asked.

"Oh, haha, Foaly." Root panted.

"You should try exercising something other than your fingers on a computer keyboard sometime, you know. And so should Artemis. It would stop me having to save his life all the time." Holly pointed out.

Foaly grimaced at this suggestion but could never pass up a chance to tease someone who acted superior. "Yo, Arty! Come on out here!"

Artemis slunk out the door, blinking in the sun. "What is it?"

"Wanna try cycling?" Offered Holly.

Artemis shrugged. "Why?"

Butler smiled gently. "Maybe this is a time you should try exercising. It would certainly make my job a lot easier."

Artemis considered it. It was true, Butler had pulled him out of many scrapes. But he couldn't be expected to be good at everything. He reluctantly agreed. While Butler showed him how to pedal on a bike, Foaly jumped in the pool.

"This is a variation of dog paddle, developed by Hector Ogglevb in 240, it was declared an event in the Centaurian Olympics in 1008 and eventually evolved to this stroke, commonly known as-"

"Foaly. Do we care?" The problem with Foaly, Holly thought, is that if he knew something, he thought everyone else should know it, too.

Foaly was wounded. He jumped out of the pool.

"I'll go somewhere where I am appreciated!" Foaly yelled, and went back inside to eat a few more carrots.

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Their teasing was not the only reason Foaly left. Now was the perfect opportunity for him to hide a doll head. He picked Holly's, for what she had said to him earlier, and looked for a place to hide it. Not the refrigerator, that was too obvious. In the end he decided on the freezer. All that was in there were a couple of ice-blocks and a tub of coconut flavoured ice cream. And who was going to eat that?

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Artemis, once he understood the workings of the cycling mechanism, started cycling. He got tired very quickly and the only reason he stayed on was that the machine had a little computer type thing that told you your heart beat, how far you'd cycled, etc. Eventually, after 500m, he decided he'd had enough exercise for the week and went inside. Foaly was in the kitchen, nothing strange about that. Artemis glanced over at the dummies he was supposed to protect. Two of the heads were missing! One, Commander Roots, was still in the toilet but the other? Artemis bent down, crawling behind a sofa. He would ruin his suit but he wanted to know what Foaly was doing.

"Won't you take me to/ Funky Town!" Foaly sang, placing a head in the freezer, "Won't you take me to/ Fuuuunky Towwwwwwwn!"

"Aha!" Said Artemis, stepping in a way he thought would make him look impressive from behind the sofa. The tip of one of his loafers caught the edge of the carpet and he tripped over. "I caught yo- Aaah!"

Foaly hid the head behind his back and assumed an innocent expression. "I was looking for some….. coconut ice cream and I found this and I was putting it…. Somewhere and-"

If Artemis had handcuffs and was strong enough to use them he would have snapped the around Foaly's wrists at that time. "I think we should go visit Big Brother."

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"So the genius kid caught the annoying genius." Big Brothers said to them. "Not that the genius kid isn't annoying as well but…."

Artemis frowned, putting pieces together. "Is that….."

"Mulch Diggums?" Finished Foaly.

There was a thump. It sounded like someone had just been slapped across the head. "Oow! Yes it's me. But, no matter. You guys are out of the house!"

"WHAT?" Artemis and Foaly said in unison.

"I think we should bring the other housemates in here and explain stuff to them."

"Yeah," Foaly said. "And while you're at it, why don't you get someone who knows what they're talking about to explain it to us?"

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Holly was still trying to get her head around it. "So Mulch was Big Brother all this time? And Foaly was hiding the heads?"

"Yep!" Mulch said perkily. "Now, if you could just pack you bags and get out of here, I'll wait for the next lot of house mates to come." A muffled voice informed them all that Mulch had been fired. There was the sound of a fight then the unmistakable noise of...

"Dwarf Gas" Butler grimaced. He remembered that sound well….

A com screen was lowered down from the screen. It was Don Eferk.

"So, contestants, this has been an interesting round! You will soon be leaving and will arrive in the studio in a few days. Until then, goodbye! Don't forget to vote!"

And with that, he was gone, leaving the contestants to imagine what horrors they would encounter in the next round.

AUTHORS NOTE:

This has taken me two weeks to write! And it sucks! But, please don't forget to vote! I must go eat lunch now but VOTE AND REVIEW OTHERWISE I WILL START TO SEE PURPLE MONKEYS EVERYWHERE! You alone can save me from insanity! Seeya!


	8. The Simple Life!

AUTHORS NOTE:

Omg, omg, omg! 69 reviews! I am so totally excited/happy/amazed! Thank you all so so sooooooooooo much! And this time you actually voted for someone I think should go off! I LUV U ALL! Sort of!

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style**

**Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage**

"Hello Haven and welcome to another episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! I am your host, Don Eferk, and these are your contestants!"

That was the cue for the five remaining contestants to stand up. So they did. Artemis looked out over the audience, wondering what horrors would be impounded upon them this time. Of course, there was always the chance he would be voted out but, without seeming to egotistical, he doubted this would happen, considering all the signs in the audience that said things like 'We Luv Arty!' and 'Arty is HOT!'. Artemis shuddered. This was DISTURBING.

"Aaaaaand, voted off today is……………………. BUTLER!"

Artemis was shocked. And Holly could tell.

"Whassamatter, Mud Boy?" She punched him on the shoulder. "Never been without your bodyguard before?"

Artemis scowled. "For your information, Captain, I have been separated from him before."

Holly smirked in a VERY annoying way. "When? Apart from the times you've been in fairy company."

Artemis thought. And thought. He had never been apart from Butler for more than a few days – even at boarding school Butler had camped out in the garden. He looked at Butler. Butler looked back.

"Goodbye, Artemis. I trust that the fairy people will keep you safe until I next see you."

Artemis scowled again. He doubted this very much. "Farewell, old friend."

"Excuse me!" Called Don Eferk. "We are on a TIME LIMIT here! Butler, come up and receive your consolation prize."

Butler stepped up and took the home gym package from the arms of three grunting security trolls and, after a last look at Artemis and the three fairies he would be entrusting Artemis's safety to, strolled out of the room. But he would be back, he was sure of it.

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"Remaining contestants, the next part of the competition is entitled 'The Simple Life'. It will involve you being dropped off in some busy city somewhere above ground and, without any money, finding your way back here. Just in case you alert Mud People to the existence of the people, you will be followed by a LEP van fitted with mind wiping technology. We can't risk starting an interspecies war, just for the sake of a reality TV show!"

Artemis snorted. He had his doubts about exactly how much Don Eferk cared about preserving the fairy culture versus how much money the host was receiving per episode of this show.

"So, extremely soon, you will be knocked out, taken above ground and re-awakened to start your journey." Don Eferk paused to pose, cheesily, for the camera. "Security, time to knock and roll. Get it? KNOCK and roll!"

No one laughed. Briefly, Artemis wondered exactly how legal this was. The trolls hit the contestants on the head and dragged them out. The next task was going to be very interesting indeed.

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They woke up in a dark alleyway. Not the most comfortable of places.

"Where the hell are we?" Commander Root was the first to ask what the others were thinking.

"I don't know." Holly turned to Artemis. "Any ideas, genius?"

Foaly pouted. "Hey, I'm a genius too! In fact, I'm even more of a genius than that Mud Boy!"

"However, in the maturity stakes, you come a close last." Holly smirked.

Foaly's protests were drowned out by Artemis's reply to the commanders question.

"Well, you heard the host of the show. We have been abandoned here, in this city, and we must find our way back underground with out any money."

"Easy. We walk. They call this reality TV? I'm sure a lot of viewers will be interested in watching us walk. And walk. And walk…"

"Brilliant suggestion, Holly. However, as you are probably well aware, human cities are not the best places to walk in. Especially if two of your companions have pointed ears and green skin and the other one has four legs, two arms and a tail."

"What are we supposed to do, then?"

The alley was quiet for a moment. So quiet you could almost hear their brains working. Finally, Holly came up with an idea that did not involve ridiculous amounts of wire and cable. "Let's hitchhike!"

(AN: Do not try this at home. Do not ever try this out of your home)

"Yeah, that'd work. Excuse me, Mr Primative Mud Man Transportational Device Driver, can you please take me, my pointy eared friends and this human in your car to underground? I'd be surprised if we don't get arrested and put in some freak show."

"Got a better idea, Foaly?"

Foaly considered it. "Yes, I already told you. We break into an internet café, steal five computers, I take them apart while you go to the computer store and buy five metres of cable, seven metres of wire-"

"We are not doing anything that will take over two weeks!"

"How do you know that hitchhiking will take less than two weeks?"

"I don't! But it's better than-"

Commander Root found his voice. "SHUT UP, YOU TWO! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PROFESSIONAL, ADULT, MATURE POLICE OFFICERS!" He glanced at Artemis, who was smirking in a most annoying way. "STOP SMIRKING, MUD BOY!"

This only made Artemis smirk more. Foaly glanced at the commander. "Got a better idea, Julius?"

"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS, PONY!"

Artemis looked further down the alleyway. "Commander, I think you are attracting attention."

Holly followed his glance. "I think Artemis is right."

A few passers by were huddled around the entrance to the alleyway, looking anxious. Thankfully, it was dark enough that they couldn't tell exactly who was in the alley.

"Okay, split second decision. Let's hitchhike." The commander couldn't believe he'd gone along with the plan. "And if this thing goes wrong, it is NOT my fault."

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They had decided that, as the most socially acceptable looking of the whole group, Artemis would go to find transport. It was probably the most embarrassing experience of his whole life, standing on the side of the road, amongst chip packets and cigarette butts, in his Armani suit and loafers, with his thumb stuck out at the cars. Finally, a taxi came. Artemis hesitated. They didn't have money to pay the driver. But, he supposed, they could always give him one of Artemis's bank account numbers. Preferably the one where Artemis kept his spare change. So he accepted the ride. The plan was that Artemis would get in the front with the driver, distract him as Holly, Root and Foaly got on, and off they were.

"You wanna ride?" Asked the driver, narrowing his eyes.

"No, I have just stuck out my thumb and pulled you over for no reason. Of course I want a ride."

"Fine, kid, fine. Youse can just hop in here, show me your money and off we go." He looked suspiciously at Artemis, who was signaling to Holly. "And if youse is drunk than I don't want no mess in my car."

"Huh?" Asked Artemis as Holly, Root and Foaly hid behind the vehicle. "Oh, no of course I'm not drunk. I am thirteen years old."

The driver snorted. "If I had a dollar for every time I heard that..."

"D'Arvit!" Root yelled. Artemis supposed he'd just got his fingers stuck under the handle of the door. The driver was looking suspiciously at him. "Didja hear anything?"

"No." Artemis said. The driver was still looking at him strangly. "Well, whatcha waiting for? Get in."

Artemis sneaked a look behind him. Foaly's tail was still poking out of the door. It seemed like there wasn't enough room. He did a few quick calculations. Yes, Foaly would fit if Holly sat on the floor. He could only hope that Foaly figured this out.

"Yes. Just let me see if I have dropped my money." Not the best of lies, Artemis scolded himself. He dropped to his knees on the street and made to search for money. He grimaced as the mud soaked into the knees of his suit. The back door of the taxi shut.

"What the hell was that?" Asked the driver, turning in his seat. Root and Foaly ducked their heads. The driver turned back. Artemis stood, smiling innocently at him.

"Just get in, willya?"

Artemis stepped into the taxi. He had a long ride ahead of him.

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As they drove, the driver attempted to make conversation. "So, why ya comin into the city?"

"I'm meeting my parents." At least that was plausible. Artemis took the opportunity to ask a question. "Where are we, anyway?"

"New York." The driver turned to face him. "Hey! How come youse don't know what city youse are meeting your parents in?"

"No, of course I know. I just wanted to check you knew."

"Of course I know. I the driver of this taxi." He took a hand off the wheel to scratch at a pimple. Artemis looked away. Disgusting. He heard Holly's whisper. "Artemis. Ask him whether we're going into the city or out of it."

"So, are we going into the city or away from the city?"

"We's are in the city. We's are going more into it." The driver swerved to avoid a collision. "Hey! Howsa comes youse don't know where we are?"

Artemis heard Foaly giggle in the backseat. Then he heard a thump. It sounded like Root had punched Foaly's jaw.

"Was that youse giggling?"

Artemis thought fast. "Yes."

"What are youse giggling about?"

"Nothing."

The driver turned to face him. "Listen, youse, I don't want no smart comments. Youse either tell me what's so funny, or youse get out of my cab after paying!"

"I told you, nothing is funny." Artemis sounded a touch patronizing.

"THAT IS IT! Youse is getting out of my cab!" The driver held his hand out. "Pay up!"  
Artemis felt his pockets. "I could give you my bank account number…."

"NO!" Roared the driver. He'd had enough. "Give me money!"

"I don't have any on me but…."

"Fine, fine. I knew youse was a good for nothing kid anyhow. Just give me something worth money. I like your shoes. Is they expensive?"

"Yes, but…."

"GIVE THEM TO ME!"

The driver had a dangerous glint in his eye. In the backseat Foaly giggled again. Root hit him again. Artemis handed over the shoes.

"GET OUT!" The driver opened his door, pushed Artemis out into the muddy street and drove off. With the fairies still in the taxi. Uh oh.

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"Hello, ma'am, sir, master, miss." The taxi driver greeted his next passangers.

"Beatrice, Nancy, Brett. Hop in the back." The father of the family said to his wife, son and daughter. They hopped in the back.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIII!" Screamed Nancy, Beatrice and Foaly. Holly stood up. "Bye!" She yelled. She wrenched open the other door, shoved Foaly through and followed Commander Root out. Behind them, they could just make out the LEP truck coming to wipe the human's memories. But where was Artemis?

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At that point in time, Artemis was standing in a gutter, explaining to an old lady that he was NOT an orphan, but the highly successful heir to the Fowl Empire. No matter how much he talked, she didn't believe him. He was just about to make a run for it when his attention was distracted by a very strange sight. Two short creatures with buckets on their heads escorting a four legged creature with a garbage bag over his head.

"Over here, Artemis!" Yelled Holly, her voice muffled in the bucket.

"I must go now." He told the old lady and walked off.

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Foaly was annoyed. Who wouldn't be? He had a garbage bag over his head, for one thing. And more than five little kids had pointed him out to their mothers, saying things like: "Look, it's a cute pony! Can I go pet it?" It didn't help matters that Commander Root snickered into his ear every few seconds or Holly had explained to the little kids that the reason he had a garbage bag over his head was because he was chronically shy. And the fact this was going to be broadcast on TV. He wondered what he should change his name too. He'd always thought Francis had a nice ring to it…

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"Hey, commander." Holly addressed the commander more casually than normal.

"Yes, Short."

"Well, just wondering, where are we actually going?"

The commander nodded towards the other two. "Ask one of the geniuses."

"Don't ask me!" Foaly protested. "It's not like I can actually SEE where we're going."

That left Artemis. He could feel the others staring at him. "Well, I don't know. We need to get underground. Where is the nearest shuttle port to New York?"

(AN: I can't remember if there is actually a shuttle port near New York so I'll just make something up)

"The terminal near Stonehenge." Holly answered. "But there's no way we're getting there without using an airplane."

"Who said anything about not using airplanes?" Asked the commander, smiling slightly. Foaly would have groaned, had he not been disguised as a terminally shy horse. This was not going to end well.

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They hitchhiked to the nearest airport, which was an achievement in itself. Not many people were prepared to take in two short people with buckets over their heads, one pony/horse thing with a garbage bag over it's head and a human boy with a suit but no shoes but they managed to find a few people. They stood outside a large building – the airport.

"Mud people are such fools," Foaly complained. "They could have designed some beautiful, earth friendly wings but, no, they have to make huge monstrous machines that pollute the earth. Like I did."

"Now is not the time, Foaly." Artemis rememined them all about the task at hand. "We need to find out about the flights that are leaving for London."

So they entered the airport.

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Commander Root's first impression was of the people. There were HEAPS of people. All the baggage carousels, shops and waiting areas were packed with people. Then he heard all the announcements over the loudspeakers. Then he saw all of the airplanes outside the building. For barely intelligent creatures, humans sure made good airports. Not that the fairies couldn't make better. He was shaken out of his train of thought by Foaly.

"I hate to say this but….."

"Yes, pony, what is it?"

"Do they have toilets here or something?"

"Oh, no. Can't you wait?"

"No." Foaly sounded like a kid in a car on a long trip.

"Mud boy, do they have toilets here?"

Artemis's face displayed a customary smirk. "Yes. See the sign that has a female and male figure on it?"

"Yes."

"The arrow is pointing toward the toilet."

That was all he had to say. Root was off, led by Foaly. Holly watched them go. "I really think they'll find a way to muck this up."

Artemis's smirk widened. "Oh dear."

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The sight of a figure with a bucket over his head leading a pony with a bag over his head attracted a lot of negative attention. What was worse was the line leading to the toilet. In his haste, the commander accidentally went into the wrong bathroom.

"Sorry, sorry!" He called back to the shrieking females.

"Julius?" Foaly asked.

"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS!" Julius yelled. "THIS WHOLE MESS IS YOUR FAULT! COULDN'T YOU WAIT? WHEN WE GET BACK I AM GOING TO RE-THINK THE INDESPENSABLE PART OF YOUR CONTRACT!"

If the sight of the commander leading Foaly around didn't attract attention, the sight of the commander yelling at what they presumed to be a pony attracted even more. A few burly security guards came to take Foaly and Root away. They weren't going to take any chances with what they presumed to be terrorists. The commander and the centaur were taken to a holding cell. Foaly danced around. "Do you have a bathroom in here?" He called.

Meanwhile, Artemis and Holly were having problems of their own.

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"Mummy, why does that girl have a bucket over her head?" A small child asked her mum. Her mum looked sharply at Holly and Artemis and hurried her kid along.

"I feel hurt." Holly said, mock-sad. "Why don't they like us?"

Artemis considered it. "Probably something to do with the fact you have a bucket over your head, I have no shoes and we are standing in the middle of an airport without an adult."

"I'm an adult!"

"I think under the current circumstances it would be best to just pretend you are my delusional sister."

Holly groaned. "Great. So now I'm Artemis Fowl's little sister. And a DELUSIONAL one at that. Just fabulous."

Artemis smirked. "This is also being broadcast live as part of a TV show."

Holly swatted his arm. "The icing on top of a cake." She looked around a bit. "Hey, where's Foaly and Julius? They should be back by now….."

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Foaly and Julius were, at that moment, assuring the security guards that Foaly didn't have a bomb concealed in the plastic bag over his head.

"Yes, this is my pet pony." The commander was explaining. Foaly snorted.

"And why does the pony have a plastic bag over his head?" The security guard asked, in the same tone of voice you used when talking to five-year-olds.

"He is terminally shy. If we took this off, he would go on a crazed rampage and become extremely stressed. The reason the bag is so lumpy is just because he has his…..security hat on."

"I see." The security guard raised an eyebrow. "And how does a young fella like you know a big word like 'terminally'?"

This statement did not make Root very happy. "I'll have you know that I am CENTUARIES older than you."

"I see." The guard spoke into his microphone. "I've got a few freaks here. Yes, a delusional kid and a pony that may or may not be carrying a bomb under the bag on his head. Oh, and the kid says the pony needs to go to the bathroom." He turned to the two accused. "You two can sit here for a while. Is that okay?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Good!"

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Holly was now convinced Root and Foaly were in trouble.

"They don't know a thing about Mud Men! They could have insulted someone! The commander could have blown up at someone because they didn't call him sir!"

Artemis was unconcerned. "They'll be fine. If you're really worried about them, we can just page them over the loudspeaker."

"I am not worried! I just want to get to London before we manage to muck this up too much."

Artemis led her over to a desk. He turned to the attendant. "Good afternoon, ma'am. My companion here (he motioned to Holly) is worried (Holly hit him on the arm. "I am NOT worried!") about the two others we were here with. They went to the men's room and don't seem to be back yet. We were wondering if you could possibly page them over the loudspeaker."

The attendant smiled at him. "Of couse I can, little boy. What are their names?"

"Um, Foaly and Julius." Holly answered.

The attendant's smile never wavered. "Interesting names." She spoke into the microphone, her voice echoing around the room. "Foaly and Julius! Foaly and Julius! Your children are waiting for you at the information desk!"

Holly and Artemis looked at each other. The attendant was going to get a surprise when she saw who turned up to get them.

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Foaly was escorted to a bathroom. Inside the building. "This is sooooo degrading." He complained.

"Shut up!" Root hissed from outside the room. "Just hurry up, will you?"

Foaly was about to answer when they heard the announcement over the loudspeaker. "Foaly and Julius! Foaly and Julius! Your children are waiting for you at the information desk!"

He raised an eyebrow. Not that you could tell under the plastic bag. "We have children now?"

Root was not amused. "No, you idiot. It's Holly and Artemis."

"Hey, I am not an idiot! I am a genius! I have over four times the cranial capacity as beings such as yourself! I-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Root yelled in a stage whisper. He raised his voice so the guard outside could hear. "Excuse me! There seems to be a call for us!"

The guard was skeptical. "You're Foaly and Julius?"

"Yes."

"I see." He spoke into his microphone again. "I have a pony and a kid here who say they're Foaly and Julius."

At the information booth, the attendant looked at Holly and Artemis again. "Kids, can you possibly describe these two people you are paging?"

"Yes." Holly said. "Julius is a centimeter taller than me, he is currently wearing a bucket over his head and he has pointed-"

Artemis cut her off. "- elbows."

Holly frowned at Artemis. "Foaly is wearing a garbage bag over his head and he resembles-"

"- he is a pony." Artemis corrected.

The attendant relayed these descriptions over the radio. She turned to them again. "Can you explain to us why those two are accused of smuggling bombs into the airport?"

Holly looked indignant. Artemis thought it would be better for him to explain. "Those two enjoy playing make-believe games." He attempted an amused laugh. "Too much television."

The attendant spoke into the radio again. She smiled at them. "Julius and Foaly will be released and with you shortly. Until then, would you like a stamp?"

Artemis frowned. "No thank you, ma'am. I believe there is nothing rewarding about stamping coloured ink onto my skin."

The attendant nodded and busied herself cleaning up the desk. She shook her head. Kids these days.

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Finally, the foursome managed to catch a plane. Since they didn't actually have tickets they placed Foaly in the animal part of the plane, Holly mesmerized the flight attendants into giving her, Artemis and Julius first class tickets. Foaly was extremely annoyed he was classified as an animal, however after a few budget threats from Root was on his way. A few hours later they pulled into the airport. Artemis was the first of the foursome out. He waited at the baggage carousel for the others. Finally they were all there.

"Do you know how many dogs don't have ANYTHING intelligent to say?" Complained Foaly, who had spent his time conversing with various animals during the trip. "They make Julius here look like a regular genius."

The commander narrowed his eyes. "The only reason I am not shouting at you right now is the fact it would look odd and you're not actually supposed to be talking anyway. SO SHUT UP!"

The last comment attracted a few odd glances. Root looked both ways. "Let's go." He growled.

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Outside the airport there were heaps of taxis.

"How exactly are we getting to Stonehenge?" Holly enquired.

"How about we buy a ride? Pony for sale?" Root said, only half joking.

"Not funny!" Foaly scowled.

Holly's eyes glinted. "I have an idea. You're not going to like it, but I have an idea."

"Tell me, captain! That's an order!"

"Okay. Well, look at that taxi. There's no one inside, doors wide open…."

Artemis was skeptical. "That is only because the driver is helping the lady with her luggage." He gestured to a man in a taxi drivers uniform (AN: do they even wear uniforms?) helping an old lady with her luggage.

"We'll just have to be quick!" Holly cried, leaping into the taxi. Root and Foaly followed suit. Artemis sighed. He was the youngest one there, yet possibly the most mature. He missed Butler. He could always turn to Butler for a intelligent conversation. Not extremely intelligent, but intelligent nonetheless. He sighed and sat in the vehicle. Holly drove away amid shouts from the taxi driver.

"Hey! My taxi! Give it back, punks!"

But Holly was not the fastest pilot in the Academy for nothing. She sped off.

"Watch out for that tree! A few cars! That bus! Bin! Old lady!" Foaly called. "Police car! Uh oh, the cops are following us!"

"Why?" Root had to ask. "We're better cops than they'll ever be!"

Artemis uncovered his eyes. "Ever heard of a speed limit, Holly?"

Holly grinned. "Might have. Why?"

Artemis gestured to a sign. "You're going way over. The cops are going to tail us, then arrest us. For underage driving, speeding, probably for having a pony in our vehicle too."

Holly frowned. "Okay." She turned to the commander. "Should I just out-run them?"

He nodded. "Go as fast as you want."

She grinned, tightening her hold on the gearstick. "Hold onto your lunch!"

Foaly held onto the garbage bag. There was a gathering of liquid in the bottom of it. "Got it!" He managed to say. And, with the wind in their hair, they sped off.

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They soon arrived at Stonehenge, a few kilometers in front of the police.

"You are one skilled driver, Captain." Artemis congratulated her.

She nodded. "But we'd better get underground ASAP. They'll have caught up soon."

"Can I take this off my head yet?" Asked Foaly, now also carrying two liquid-filled buckets. Artemis shuddered. Disgusting.

"Yes, yes. Take it off." The commander said briskly. He led them up to the hologram. "Get in!"

They did. Artemis found himself inside a terminal not unlike the airport. The commander nodded to a few sprites that were panicking about the human in the terminal. "Do not worry! This human will not harm us!"

"As he has done so many times before." Holly mentioned, looking at Artemis.

He squirmed. "Sorry."

"S'okay." She grinned. "At least you're not egotistical about it. Foaly would be."

They both looked at the centaur who was doing a variation of the moon walk and bragging about their trip to a couple of attentitive females.

"Come on, fairies. And human. We'd better get back to Police Plaza." Said commander Root. And they left.

AUTHORS NOTE:

This started off bad-ish and finished bad-ish but I don't think the middle is too bad-ish. Please review and vote! Next time there will only be three left! And who that is is up to you! Seeya!


	9. Stooged!

AUTHORS NOTE:

Okay, this is like a gigantic apology. I am sorry I haven't updated in so long and I know I deserve to be locked up in some deserted island where people have nothing better to do than update their stories on ffnet, but I have a few excuses for being so late. I will now tell you these excuses. Okay, first. I was putting off writing the next thing because all of you freakish people (no offense or anything) were voting FOALY off the thing. (except for all the good people (h2omelonnqa, OperaGustus, Senseikkhehe, FetishFemale, Calli Maxwell, Carmane, Ted green, holly short rox, RECONbabe and Daughter of Moonlight)) and all the people who reviewed but didn't actually vote – thanks 4 the review! Anyway, after being busy with school and sport and pedal prix and stuff, I was going to update within the next two weeks (this was, like, a month ago). I even said so in a review I left on someone's story. But then (shock, horror) the horrible happened. (Dun dun dun). A BOLT OF LIGHTNING HIT THE STOBY POLE IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AND BLEW OUT THE COMPUTER! So there I was, stranded, without any computers to use. Except for the ones in the library. But you can only use them for an hour a day and that is TOTALLY not enough time to write anything to post. So, in honour of the fact you are all probably annoyed at me for having to wait to update, I am going to answer reviews. Why? Because we kill things! (WHAT? You haven't seen retarded animal babies?) So, to:

ShadowMagicks: A sequel? I don't know. I was considering doing a Harry Potter one but that could get a little complicated…

cybergurl: I see your point about the screaming. But voting Foaly off? (shakes head in despair)

The Magic Bringer: You're welcome!

h2omelonnqa: It's okay. As long as we keep Foaly in…

-anon-anon-anon-: Thank you (minus the bit about Foaly)

Quick question: Am I being too meepish about Foaly? I have a feeling he's just going to get voted off anyway… Umm, no offense to anyone who likes Root that I have managed to offend in any of these answer things…Ignore me. (smiles)

Jamie Love: O0h! Thanks for the idea about the plane – it's heaps better than whatever I had. I guess I see your point…

OperaGustus: Thanks!

Senseikkhehe: I like that plan!

me-obviously: If you count this as soon… Sorry.  
wanderingmind911: You should receive the library card in the mail any day now. If indeed you do live at pizza hut. If not: Sorry. You're not getting the card. Thanks!

FetishFemale: Yeah, about the returning to police plaza thing. Um, well, you know, I couldn't be bothered… yeah. Sorry.

x17SkmBdrchiczxx: I'm glad you think so.

OtakuNekoGirl: Yeah. I was wondering if anyone wanted me to cut the chapters a bit shorter. Cos, if I did there would be like three chapters for each episode thing and, you know, that might get a bit annoying… Tell me what you think.

Calli Maxwell: Thanks. (How is artemis supposed to be a genius without shoes? Oh no!) (theratrical gasp)

The Dark Empress of Eternity: I disagree. But thanks for voting. And reading. And reviewing.

Katana no Mizu Ryuu: This is soon… If you count about two months later as soon.

AMie: So do I, AMie, so do I.

The OddBird: (blushes) Well, thanks.

Nalie: I have a feeling that Foaly is going to go… Just a feeling…

Kaeliian: Thanks!

ph33r the island ona: I see (decides not to ask)

Phantom Hamster: Um, I'm writing (a bit later than expected…)

Carmane: I agree! Foaly must stay! Finally, someone completely agrees with me.

Ted green: I rule? Why thank you!

avovisto: I'm glad I could make you laugh!

holly short rox: I agree.

Daughter of Moonlight: I have a feeling that Root is going to go. It's close though…

RECONbabe: We are Australian. Therefore, we rule. What more can I say?

Anyway, after all that, here is:

**Reality TV – Lower Elements Style**

**Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage**

"Hello Haven and welcome to another episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! I am your host, Don Eferk, and these are your contestants!"

Foaly rose from his specially modified seat with the others, smiling and waving to acknowledge the audiences applause. His eyes met Commander Roots. He quickly looked away. The commander looked ready to explode. More than usual, I mean. Their last task on this stupid show had seen the two of them falsely accused of smuggling bombs in a mud man airport. Foaly smiled wider. Just wait until the council heard about this!  
"And voted out today is……………………………Foaly!"

Foaly's head turned at the sound of his name. What? He'd been voted out! And Root had been kept in! He looked back at Root. Root smirked back at him, mirroring the look Foaly had worn on his own face just a few minutes earlier.

Oh well, Foaly thought as he skipped up to receive his consolidation prize. At least I have a few days to laugh at Root before he starts threatening to cut my budget again. And, grinning at the thought of revenge, he skipped off the stage to begin his work…

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"So, contestants, I bet you're extremely curious about the things you will have to face in the next round." Don Eferk smiled at the remaining three. None of them smiled back. Least of all, Commander Root, who was currently glaring murderously at the nearest camera sprite as if, by getting rid of him, all Root's problems would be solved.

"I am delighted to announce that the next round is Stooged!"

Don nodded confidently at the camera dude, who stopped filming. He turned to the contestants, holding a towel to his sweaty face. "Okay, this challenge will be slightly different. You will all be doing slightly different things. See, the basic idea of Stooged is that the contestants lie to a group of friends/family/acquaintances. You will all have different lies to tell your group of fairies. I will explain them to you in more detail at a later date. There will be complications, challenges, etc…"

Of course, thought Root. They wouldn't want to make this easy for us, would they?

"And the first person to Stooge their friends and family is Julius!"

Root's complexion reddened to the customary purpley-red. He spat out his cigar. "I'll have you know that you, civilian, will refer to me as COMMANDER ROOT!"

Don Eferk smiled uncertainly at the camera sprite. "Keep security close at hand, would you; I have a bad feeling about this one."

He turned and smiled again at Root, who scowled, feeling patronized.

"Anyway, Julius, we have organized a nice family get together. Your mother, father and brother. We bailed Turnball out of jail just for the occasion. Holly and Artemis are also invited."

Root had a bad feeling about this. "What will I be doing, exactly?"

Don turned on all the charm he possessed in a dazzling smile. "You, Julius, you are going to fool your family into thinking you are an astronaut!"

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**Haven City, Off the main tunnel, Number 32. Julius Root's residence.**

Artemis Fowl sat at the relatively small table in Root's house. Small compared to the one in his own home anyway. There was a knock on the door. Root got up to answer it. Artemis smirked. He knew Root wasn't looking forward to this one bit. According to the rules of the game, Root had to fool his family into thinking he had become a Mud Man astronaut. The host had given Root a prop – a photo of a group of astronauts that had been altered to show Root as one of them. Artemis snorted. He could have done it better on Paint. (AN: Anyone who gets that, plz tell me.) Root opened the door.

"Julius! Look at you!" Mrs. Root burst in the door and hugged her son. Root looked at Holly and Artemis. Holly bit her tongue to keep from laughing.

"Hi Mum. Dad. Turnball."

Root's father and brother stepped in the room. Turnball looked at Holly and Artemis and smiled. Holly wasn't laughing anymore. The last time she'd met Turnball, he was attempting to kill her, Trouble Kelp and Root. She wondered if the TV studio knew that.

Once Root's parents got over the overall shock of seeing the Mud Man there, they sat at the table. Root offered all of them a plate of nettle biscuits and coffee.

"Mum, Dad." He began. "Turnball. The reason I've invited you here to day is to tell you-"

His mother smiled at him. "Ooh, Julius! Say no more, say no more! This pretty little lady here will be a good wife for you!" She winked at Holly, who shuddered at the thought and put down her biscuit. She was suddenly not hungry.

Root grew flustered. "No. No, of course not. Um, Mum, this is Captain Holly Short. She is one of my officers. Nothing else. She is here because…" he stopped to think. "… because we're not sure if we can trust Turnball not to do anything… violent."

His mother looked confused. "Then… Don't tell me it's the boy over there you called us here about…"

"No!" This conversation was not going where Root wanted it to. "No, it's nothing like THAT, Mum! It's just I… I've been-accepted-into-NASA-as-in-the-human-astronaut-centre-thing-and-i-am-an-astronaut-there."

"I'm sorry, dear brother? I didn't catch that." Turnball asked sweetly, hiding his annoyed ness about having the pretty captain here to make sure he didn't kill anyone.

Root repeated what he had said, slower.

"But …. I … What?" His mother asked.

"No son of mine is going to work for any mud man organization, least of all one with technology so immature it can't go up into space without blowing up!"

Artemis decided to take offense. "I will admit that NASA do make some basic errors with their calculations, however how can you talk like that considering the fairy folk have not yet made any advances into space."

Root's father spared a second to shoot Artemis a disapproving glance. "I will have you know, Mud boy, that-"

Turnball interrupted. "A human space academy, huh? I was not under the impression they hired fairy folk. Or did you tell them you were the victim of some weird shrinking disease and you're really 25."

Root scowled at his brother, resolving to move him to a smaller jail cell when he got back to Police Plaza. "Yes, a human space academy. Now, if anyone else doubts this to be true, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Artemis sighed. Root was going about this the wrong way! When you lie to people, you don't ask them if they believe you or not! You just keep talking and act shocked when they say they don't believe you.

"Darling, what about your little police job?"

Root choked on another lung-full of cigarette smoke. He could see Holly smirking next to Artemis. "I'll have to quit my job as COMMANDER to go to NASA."

Turnball feigned surprise. "Oh! COMMANDER now! Wow Julius. You do seem to be moving up quickly. Are you sure you aren't stretching the truth a bit?"

No, I'll make Turnball share his tiny jail cell with Mulch Diggums, thought Julius. Out loud he said: "Oh, you want proof? Here is proof!"

With a flourish he produced the manipulated space cadet picture. His family crowded around it.

"Oh, doesn't he look just gorgeous in his uniform? You're so HANDSOME, Julius." His mother gushed. The phone rang. Root got up to answer it. It was Don Eferk.

"Julius, how are you doing?"

Root's response to the use of his first name was threatening, loud and attracted a lot of attention from his family. He attempted to smile at them and returned to his phone conversation.

"Okay, it's time for part two of your Stooge. If you could just make an excuse to go outside, we'll give you the plan."

Root hung up the phone. "I'm just going to the toilet." He stomped outside.

Root's mother turned to smile at Holly. "So, how would you like to marry my Julius?"

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"You're doing great, Julius. Now if you could just read this card out loud…"

Root grasped the card and read: "Convince your friends and family that you are going to be part of an upcoming space launch to re-investigate the moon."

He looked up. Don smiled. "We have here for you an 'official letter' from NASA explaining all about the upcoming launch if you need any back-up proof. Good luck, Julius."

Root took the letter, made a rude finger gesture at Don and went inside.

Don nodded at the security guard next to the van parked outside Roots house. "I think you'd better call for back up."

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"A launch? Oh my dear Julius, from what your father has been saying about these Mud people's astronaut institutes, this is unsafe. Oh, Julius. Why can't you just settle down, marry someone sweet and young (she smiled at Holly) and have a safe job. Like, I don't know, cleaning or something."

Holly glared at Roots mother and tried to imagine Root as a cleaner. She failed miserably.

Root's father, having just read the letter, looked at Root. "It says here you've known about this for a week. How come you didn't tell us earlier?"

Turnball smiled nastily at Root. "Yes, Julius. Lying is considered a felony. Why don't you set the record straight?"

"Ugh, Well, I didn't tell you earlier because I thought… Is anyone thirsty here? I'm thirsty. What about you, Mud boy?"

Turnball smirked. Root felt his blood boil. "Well, I just wanted to see how you'd react to the whole idea of me being an astronaut. Didn't want to shock you to many times in a row, you know."'

Root's mother enfungled him in a hug. "Oh, my darling baby boy. Don't worry about shocking me. I just want what's best for you, you know that. And that is why I'm suggesting you come home to live with us permanently. Keep you safe, you know."

Root scowled from the top of his mothers embrace. If his credibility wasn't ruined before this day was out, he was more popular than he though.

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Speaking of destroying credibility, Foaly had locked himself in his booth in Police Plaza trying to think of the perfect way to share Julius's recent embarrassing moments with the world. Drawing inspiration from every aspect of life, Foaly turned on the TV set that was connected to Channel ROK. He sat back in his specially modified swivel chair and glanced at the TV set. Julius was on TV! With Holly and Artemis! And Root's family! Then he remembered. The TV show. There was no point in finding a way to share Root's most humiliating moments with the world – they were already broadcasted on air for all to see. Not only had he wasted valuable time he could have used to discover conspiracies, it was all pointless.

"D'Arvit." Said Foaly.

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Back to our normal programming…

Root got another phone call. He needed to get outside again. He looked around for an excuse. His eyes landed on the flowers in the middle of the tables.

"Erm, my neighbor's flowers just caught fire."

He raced out the door before anyone could object. Mrs. Root smiled at Holly again. "So, tell me something about yourself, dear."

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"You're doing great Julius!"

"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS YOU LITTLE, SLIMY B-"

Don elbowed the security guard, who held a buzz baton threateningly at Root. Root growled. The indignity of it! He, himself probably outranked this big no-hoper, yet it was the guard holding the baton to his head. He decided not to agitate Don any further. "What is it now?"

Don handed Root a card. "Read this out loud."

Root read: "The third and final Stooge is as follows: Convince your family and friends that you are going to be going to the moon with one other person – a hot American Mud lady."

Don smiled. "Got that?"

Root shuddered. "Do I actually have to use the word 'hot' whilst describing the Mud girl?"

Don pushed him towards the door of his house. "Oh, you crazy kidder! You'll be fine."

And with those encouraging words, accompanied by a huge wink, Root walked into his house feeling that he was not going to achieve anything today, except for the fact his mother was never going to let him out of the house again.

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"So, it's just going to be you and the lady? No one to keep you two… under control?" Root's mother asked.

Root shuddered. "Mum, what do you expect we'll do?"

Holly sniggered. Turnball opened his mouth to put in his two cents.

"That was an ironic question, actually."

In police plaza, Foaly smirked at the TV set. "The correct term is rhetorical question, and I do believe you need a grammar lesson, Julius."

He turned to the twelve council members he had assembled to watch Reality TV: Lower Elements Style. "See why we need to do IQ tests on our officers before letting them join up?"

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"Hang on a minute now." Turnball said, interrupting Mr. Root's lengthy lecture about cross-breeding (AN: Eeew!). "When you first told us about the mission I could have sworn you said you were going with a group of Mud Men."

"Yes, well, I just wanted to see-"

"How we'd react? Well, why suddenly tell us about it now?"

"Well, because…"

Turnball smirked. "I suggest that Julius is not being entirely truthful."

Root decided Turnball should share a cell with not only Mulch Diggums, but a few homicidal goblins, too.

The doorbell rang. Root opened the door. And caught his breath. Framed in the doorway was a stunningly beautiful Mud Girl. Familiar too.

Behind Root Artemis frowned. "Juliet?"

It was Juliet Butler, dressed in a short baby pink dress, strappy sandals and with hair curling glamorously in front of her face. She looked about 25.

"Julius!" She said with an American accent. "It is amazing to see you again! I just wanted to tell you I'm counting the days until our space expedition!"

She ruined the effect her breathy voice was having on Turnball Root by cracking her knuckles.

"Right!" Root's father decided to set the record straight. "Let's set down some rules shall we? Hmm, no physical-"

Juliet looked at Root's family. "And the short guy with the bad hair outside wants me to tell you you've been Stooged!"

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They gathered at Police Plaza. Root ignored the various council members pointing and laughing out their windows at him. He turned his back on Foaly, who was acting out various scenes from the TV show, and looked at Don Eferk.

"Next person to Stooge their family or friends is Holly!"

AUTHORS NOTE:

Okay, I'm just going to post this now. This isn't the end of this chapter, it's just that I want to post something after being away for so long. Please don't vote yet, however you can review! (smiles). It's the school holidays so I'll probably add to this tomorrow. It's going to be a long one!

Hope you can forgive me for being away for so long then only posting a third of a chapter!


	10. Stooged! Part II

AUTHORS NOTE:

So here it is, part two of chapter 9. Sorry, sorry sorry. I am so so so sorry about the, oh, what was it? Four month delay? Ick. And I said I would do it by the end of the week. So much for that. Good news is that I just need to type the next part and then I can post that sometime soon. Okay, I'm reallky sorry and I hope that this is going to be worth the wait, if there are still some of you who haven't given up on me yet. I will not delay you any longer, here is:

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style**

**Stooged Part II: Holly's Stooge**

Holly sat on her sofa across from Artemis. It was her turn to Stooge her family/friends and Artemis was going to be watching. Root wasn't allowed to, thought, as he was a part of her Stooge. Unfortunately.

A stormy silence settled over the room, slightly broken by the camera gnomes playing a very involved game of 'Scissor, paper rock.'

"ROCK! YOU DIE!" A gnome yelled. Holly sighed and stared at Artemis. Who was smirking.

"Look Mud Boy. Wipe that smirk off your face. Or I'll wipe it off for you."

Artemis hastily composed his features, realizing Holly wouldn't hesitate to get violent.

"Really, Captain. Please restrain yourself."

The doorbell rang.

Artemis's smirk was back as Holly rushed to let in her guests.

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Holly had invited three people to Stooge: her cousin, Rhia, and her two best friends from her school days, Shelly and Tiffany.

"AAH! AAH! OMIGOD, A MUD BOY! HELP!" Tiffany wrapped her scarf around herself and stopped panicking, looking at Holly with a smile on her face. "Ooh, Holls, a Mud Boy, huh? Someone you met during your work, huh? Huh?"

Holly frowned. This was not a good start. "This is Artemis Fowl."

"Wait… Isn't Artemis a girl's name?" Tiffany asked.

Artemis cleared his throat, tired of the misconception. "It can be used for both boys and girls-"

Shelly nodded wisely. "Yeah, but this is that Mud Man that stole LEP gold. It was all over that paper – how he's a delusional obsessive-compulsive and his parents are psycho."

"No," Tiffany interjected. "That was on that chat show…"

Rhia stared at Holly. "I thought the LEP would lock him up, or something."

Holly nodded. "Well-"

Rhia shook her head. "Yet another reason to distrust the public security system." She pulled out a notepad and jotted down a note.

Holly grinned. "You know, Rhia, you really should meet a friend of mine. His name is Foaly…"

Tiffany changed the subject. "So, what's everyone been up to lately?"

This was Holly's chance. "Well, I'm actually … um… dating-Julius-Root." She finished in a rush, clenching her fists.

"What!" Tiffany was startled. "Honey, did you say DATING? Cos I thought I heard you say-"

"Yeah, she said dating," Skye cut in. She turned to Holly. "You're DATING Julius ROOT? The COMMANDER of the LEPRECON UNIT? Like, the UNIT where you WORK?" She blinked frantically at Holly.

"Hang on. Just last month I thought you told me you couldn't stand how sexist this 'Julius' was. Girl, you work fast!"

Holly scowled at Artemis, who was smirking again. "That was last year, actually-"

Rhia observed Holly intently. "Maybe this isn't Holly at all. She's acting uncharacteristic. Maybe this is an elaborate plot … a conspiracy. That, or a reality TV show."

Holly squirmed. "I can assure you, me and the Commander are dating. Definatly. Anyone want more biscuits?"

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Holly was spared having to answer anymore questions when the doorbell rang. Holly stood to answer it.

"I'd better get that," she said, before scuttling out of the room to avoid any more questions. She didn't think she was that bad at lying, but this lie was fairly embarrassing. It would be best if she just avoided answering too many questions.

Upon opening the door, Holly was escorted to her lawn to meet Don Eferk.

"Right, Holly, you're doing GREAT," he said, a bit TOO enthusiastically. "Now, I bet you're dying to find out the next part of your task!"

"No," Holly muttered.

"You need to fool your friends into thinking you're cheating on Julius with Prince William, of the Mud Man British royal; family!"

He smiled at Holly. She wondered if she could 'accidentally' shoot him with her baton by pretending to slip. A non-lethal burst, of course.

"Go get 'em, babe." Eferk punched her shoulder. Holly stared at him, offended at his use of the word 'babe.' She punched his shoulder in much the same way he had done, only harder. Much harder.

"Oops," Holly said, stepping back. "Accident."

Half a dozen assistants converged on the fallen TV host. Holly headed back to the house with a smile.

A technical gnome stood in front of the camera. "Cut! Okay, let's just wipe that part from the tape."

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Holly was met at her door by a hyperventilating Shelly.

"HOLLY!" Shelly shrieked. "YOU (_wheeze_) DATING-"

She took in short breaths. Holly led her to the kitchen, where she retrieved a paper bag for Shelly to breathe into.

"Holly!" Tiffany exclaimed, walking into the room. "You're DATING Prince WILLIAM?"

She stopped and considered what she'd just said. "Who is Prince William, anyway?"

"He's only the PRINCE of the UK!" Shelly exclaimed.

Tiffany waved a hand. "Whatever, he's hot, that's all that matters."

Holly felt a bit un-informed. "Wait. How do you know all this?"

Tiffany held up a magazine. "The ARTICLE! In here!"

Holly grabbed the magazine and looked at the (faked) pictures of her and the prince.

'PRINCE DITCHES BLONDE BEAUTY FOR SHORT FREAK,' the headline screamed.

Holly smiled. A bit of humor in an otherwise bleak situation. "So good for the self-esteem," she joked.

"Is he a good kisser?" Tiffany asked.

Holly felt her cheeks redden. "Well…"

"How did YOU meet HIM?"

"Er…"

"Yes," Rhia said. "Yes, how _did_ you, a fairy, meet him, a Mud Man?"

"Correction: A hot Mud Man." Tiffany stated. "Duh, she met him the same way she met the kid over there." Tiffany jerked a thumb toward a scowling Artemis. "Tell us the INTERESTING stuff. Like, what aftershave does he use? And what brand are his socks." She giggled. "I bet they're Chanel."

Rhia rolled her eyes. "No, go on about how you met him." She locked eyes with Holly. "Did you really meet him through work?"

"Yes," Holly said. "Uh, you know, I retrieve and locate runaway fairies. Sometimes I … just happen to meet people. And, er, fall in love with them."

Artemis concealed a snort behind a manicured hand. Holly frowned at him. Whatever Artemis did had better be amusing for her and embarrassing for him. Or she would seriously consider suing Channel ROK for every pound of gold they ever made.

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Don Eferk next made contact with Holly by telephone. He was trying to keep out of the way of her fists.

"You need to fool your friends into thinking that you have been invited to the royal palace to meet the Queen as the Prince's serious love interest. We are giving you a letter that is supposedly from her, detailing the details. So, if you want, you could go and check your letter box," he said, attempting to avoid offending, aggravating or agitating the unpredictable LEP officer. "Well, good luck Hol- er, Captain."

Holly went back to the main room. "I need to check my mail now."

Rhia raised her eyebrows. "You get phone calls telling you when your mail is delivered?"

"Yes. No. Well, my neighbour called to tell me that my mailbox was full and he wanted to deliver a note to me."

"Ye-es," Rhia said, the word full to the brim with skepticism.

Artemis was smirking at Holly again. It was practically his default facial expression at the moment. Infuriatingly, he said, "You seem to have extremely friendly neighbours, Captain."

Holly thought of the obnoxiously loud music playing in Number 37, and the quietly disapproving elderly citizens in Number 41.

"Yes, I do," she lied, and went to check her mail.

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Artemis observed Holly's three friends. They were all different, he mused, yet, somehow, they must get along together okay. He resolved to study into the subject. Three ideas for experiments popped into his head.

Holly entered the room carrying a letter and a paper bag. She handed the paper bag to Shelly.

"I got a letter," she said. Tiffany ripped it out of Holly's hand, read it, and started squealing. Shelly looked at the letter and began hyperventilating.

Rhia's eyebrows shot up to her fringe. She checked the letter's watermark against the light before smiling slightly.

"Holly," she said. "You? A princess? Now that I've got to see."

Rhia burst into an uncharacteristic spasm of hysterical laughter. When the episode was aired, several days later, several individuals watching at home, including Mulch Diggums, Trouble Kelp and Foaly, burst out laughing along with Rhia at this point.

Artemis fought to keep his face composed.

"'Serious love interest'? Omigod!" Tiffany squealed. "You're going to be a PRINCESS!"

She whirled Holly around the room and Shelly clapped and squealed.

"You're serious?" Rhia asked.

"Of course," Holly answered.

"Then," Rhia said, "Why is there a camera fairy outside your house?"

Don Eferk looked in through the open window. "I'm just here," he said grandly, "To tell you that you've been Stooged!"

Cost to set up prank: Enough gold to make Foaly never worry about budget cuts again.

Cost of afternoon tea that Holly served: $2.50

Amount of money paid to Captain Short after she sued Channel ROK: Not as much as she'd hoped.

Look on Tiffany's face when she found out it was all a joke: Priceless.

AUTHORS NOTE:

I'd really appreciate any comments, criticism, encouragement, flames, anything from people who have read this! Again, I'm so sorry for the delay and short chapter and I hope to have the next bit up soon. Also, I think I'm supposed to answer reviews using the 'reply' button? I'll do that really soon, promise! Seeya!


	11. Stooged! Part III

AUTHORS NOTE:

Okay, I might have told some of you this in review answers. Today's Stooge includes Artemis getting kissed by (cue spooky music) an OC based mostly on Linsay Lohan!

I hope that I have not scared most of you off by saying this. Okay, just letting you know, Artemis's father may be slightly OOC in this – I don't really know. Please review and tell me what you think!

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style**

**Stooged Part III**

As Artemis had been present at the scene of their humiliating Stooges, it was only fair that Root and Holly were present at his. As Artemis's parents were also going to be present, Holly and the commander were posing as human business acquaintances of Artemis. Their disguise was quite convincing, as long as none of them removed the hat's that were covering up their pointy ears.

Butler and Juliet were also there, although, as they already knew about the show, they were there to convince Mr and Mrs Fowl that this was just another normal day, instead of a reality TV show. They were being paid to play along.

**Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland**

Artemis cleared his throat, about to begin his Stooge, as his parents entered the room.

"Ahem. Mother, Father, old friends, I have invited you here today to announce…"

Artemis paused, throat dry. He **really **did not want to do this. Really. But Commander Root had signed a contract, and Artemis felt obliged to complete contracts.

He sighed and cleared his throat again, looking back at his audience.

"To announce that I am … I, well-"

"Spit it out, Arty." Juliet smiled at him.

"I have invited you here to celebrate-"

"Celebrate what, Arty, darling?" Angeline Fowl asked, gold bracelets clinking against each other as she reached for a champagne flute full of water.

"To celebrate," Artemis said, hesitating. "To celebrate the release of my clothing line."

This announcement was met, understandably, with silence.

"Well, Arty," Angeline said, "If it makes you happy, then I'm happy too."

"Yes," Artemis Senior agreed, "although … this is slightly out of character…"

"Timmy." Angeline looked at her husband. "As long as Arty is happy, and it's legal, we should be happy for him."

Artemis's father sighed, and looked at Artemis. "I'm proud, son."

Juliet was trying not to laugh. Butler glared at her. Professional at all times, that was what was expected. And, they were being paid to do that, too. Then the bodyguard realized what Artemis had said, and began to see the funny side.

"Tell us more about this … clothing line," Juliet said, containing her laughter.

Artemis referred to the designs the producers of the show had drawn up for him.

"Well, the line is named 'Gold is Power' – wait a minute," Artemis said, looking closely at the design. The fairies had misspelt it! The name of the line was, officially, 'Gold is Powder.' Artemis had two options here: Pretend that it was misspelt, and the actual name was 'Gold is Power', or accept the fact that his 'clothing line' was named 'Gold is Powder.' He curled his lip. 'Gold is Powder?' Ugh. What would his father say?

However, he did chose the first option on the basis that, if the fairies had other props for his Stooge, they had probably mis-spelt it on all of them.

"Sorry, the line is named Gold is Powder," Artemis said, ignoring his father's worried glances in his direction. 'It is expensive and … for women?"

Artemis's father looked worried, concerned about his parenting skills. He knew he hadn't been the best father to Artemis, but he'd never imagined it might effect his son in this way. Maybe he should have bought Artemis a train set, instead of a laptop. Who knew what websites his son had been going on? Maybe he should have called him Anthony, instead of a name used primarily for girls.

Artemis Senior sighed. "Art- Son, do you want me to buy you a plane set?"

Artemis was taken aback. "Pardon?"

"If you ever need to talk, man to man," Artemis Senior continued, "I'm here for you."

Angeline elbowed her husband. "Timmy, I'm interested in Artemis's new hobby. Can I see some clothes?" She asked Artemis. "Maybe I'll wear them."

Artemis handed over the design sketches, glancing over at Holly and Root, who were smirking at him.

"Having fun?" Holly mouthed, grinning.

Artemis frowned. "I'm having the time of my life," he said sourly.

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There was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," Artemis offered, remembering that Don Eferk could try to contact him at any time.

Angeline laughed. "No, Arty. Juliet can get it. You stay here and tell me more about your designs."

"No mother, I insist." And Artemis went to answer the door.

"Hello, Artemis!" Don Eferk beamed, safe in the belief that Artemis would not punch him, as Holly had done.

Artemis was to fed up to come up with a scarily sarcastic response. So, instead, he frowned.

"I'll bet you can't wait to find out the next part of your Stooge!"

Artemis regarded to host coolly. "I am jumping with joy."

"I knew you would be!" Don exclaimed, blatantly ignoring the sarcasm. "We have hidden some dresses designed by one of our … contacts … in your kitchen. You are to show them to your guests and pass them off as your own designs."

Artemis raised his eyebrow. He doubted that any fairy could come up with a design worthy of the brilliant brain of Artemis Fowl. It just wasn't going to happen.

**Channel ROK headquarters**

The day before filming started for the Stooged segment of the show, the day the producers had been informed of the theme for the show by the lazy writers, had been hectic. There were at least ten people trying to organize every little thing, from the biscuits Holly would serve at her gathering, to bailing Turnball Root out of jail. Somewhere inbetween this, some bright spark had informed the producers that clothes designed to suitably embarrass Artemis Fowl needed to be designed. But who to design them?

Dozens tried, and failed. There had even been discussions of smuggling some of the more obscure designer clothes to Fowl Manor. Then Jane, one of the producers, had thought of something.

"Remember the colour blind centaur from the previous episode?" She asked the few remaining who either had nothing to do, or were playing cards.

Of course they did.

"Remember his dummy? His fountain design?"

They did.

"I think we have our designer."

Foaly was, of course, delighted to have his genius discovered, at last. The fact that they were paying him helped, as well.

"Well," he'd said, pretending to think. "Somewhere inbetween my line dancing classes and speeches at scientific conventions, I'm pretty sure I could design the odd clothing line."

It was a deal. Pity they didn't inform him the actual purpose of the clothing line.

To embarrass Artemis Fowl.

**Fowl Manor**

Upon re-entering his house, Artemis was confronted with a rack on insanely ugly clothes.

"Where did you get them?" he asked.

"The kitchen," Angeline Fowl answered. "Who was at the door?"

"Oh, just someone requesting directions."

Artemis was distracted, his brilliant brain joining the dot's, the glaringly obvious dots, faster than you can say 'genius.'

If his mother had found these monstrosities in the kitchen … where HIS designs were supposedly stored … then, either these were his designs, or some misguided, colour blind person had made clothes in clashing colours and fairy sizes, and planted them in Fowl Manor's kitchen for reasons unknown.

Artemis rejected the second theory upon discovering the clothing brand was 'Gold is Powder.' Ugh.

"Arty," his mother began, unsure. "Are … Are _these_ your designs?"

Artemis looked first at his mother and father, taking in their looks of shock. His gaze moved to Butler, professional as always, and Juliet, who was looking revolted. This counted as a crime against fashion in her books. The colour combinations were making her nauseous.

Artemis did the only thing he could. "Do you like them, mother?"

Angeline took a dress gingerly off the rack, as if it were contaminated. "Well, they're…"

"Horrible." Juliet supplied, helpfully. "Tacky. Awful. Disgusting. Gross-"

She would have gone on, except her brother had clamped a hand over her mouth.

Angeline considered it. "No, they're, well, interesting. Unique."

Someone coughed. Artemis glared in the fairies direction.

"I like it," Angeline Fowl finished, not sounding very certain.

Artemis Senior was worried. "You know, Art- son, there's a car show on tomorrow. Maybe we should go. We could do more things together so you don't need to spend time designing-"

"Oh, Timmy, don't be silly," Angeline gave her husband a glance. "We need to _encourage _Arty." She turned to her son. "I love them!"

"Thank you, mother." If there was a bright side to this situation, Artemis thought, it was that his parents were falling for his Stooge, hook, line and sinker.

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"Would anyone like more tea?" Juliet asked, turning on the charm for her role as the ever-so-polite maid.

"You know," Angeline said, "I would love to see Arty's designs on a model. The dresses look around your size, Juliet… Maybe you could…?"

Juliet shook her head. "Oh no. The mere thought makes me feel sick."

Angeline looked concerned. "Well, if you feel ill, go upstairs and have a little lie-down."

Juliet politely declined the offer.

"Well, they look like they'll fit you, madam," Angeline said, smiling at Holly.

The look on Holly's face was pure horror. "Oh, I couldn't."

"Go on," Angeline urged. "Arty doesn't mind."

Artemis didn't mind. And that was how Holly wound up wearing a sack-shaped dress in the delightful colours of brown, orange and fluorescent pink.

"D'Arvit," Holly muttered, under her breath.

"Bless you," Angeline beamed.

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Root declined the offer to try on a pantsuit in pink, red and fluorescent green.

"I don't think it's my size."

Then the phone rang. Artemis stood up, dignified as ever, and answered it.

It was Don Eferk.

"You're doing great, Arty!"

Don't call me Arty, Arty thought.

"Now, for the next part of the Stooge, the last part, you need to- you listening?"

I'm on the phone with you, Artemis thought, of course I'm not listening. I'm to busy feeding my cat.

Out loud he said, "Yes."

"You need to convince your family that a celebrity is endorsing your clothing line. That celebrity happens to be Linda Lowel. You may have heard of her?"

Despite not having an interest in popular culture, Artemis had heard of Linda Lowel. The star had been acting since an extremely young age, had two albums, and, despite being only 19, had been the subject of many media scandals, including anorexia and drug allegations.

This wasn't the reason he'd heard of her, though.

Linda Lowel had earnt Juliet's contempt upon becoming the girlfriend of one of Juliet's many Hollywood crushes, Colin Mitchel-Morre. The teenage had sulked for days.

"Yes, I've heard of her."

"That's GREAT! Have fun." And with that, Don hung up the phone.

Have fun? Artemis thought. Not likely.

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"Who was on the phone, Arty?" His mother asked.

"Oh, a business associate," Artemis said, leaving Holly and Root no doubt to who it really was.

"Well," Angeline Fowl said, "I hope your clothing line is, er, successful. And, don't be too disappointed if it isn't. We'll still love you."

"Actually, Linda Low-"

Artemis was cut off by the doorbell. Juliet got the door.

"Hello," they heard a familiar American accent. "I'm Linda Lowel."

Juliet was torn between being starstruck or annoyed. Linda had broken up with Colin Mitchel-Morre recently, but he'd gone and married another young star. Yet another celebrity to hate. She decided on a cross between the two. Polite curtsey, bonecrushing hand shake.

Linda extracted her hand from Juliet's, wincing slightly. "Where is Arty? I need to discuss my dress for the Golden Globe's with him."

"Oh, I don't think Artemis is really the one to discuss fashion with-"

Juliet cut herself off, remembering her grudge toward the star, "-But I'll get him for you."

"Artemis!" She yelled. "Someone to see you!"

She smiled at Linda. "Come through."

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And this was how Artemis found himself being kissed on both cheeks by Linda Lowel.

(AN: I told you it was coming!)

He blushed. Butler smiled.

"Now," Linda said. "Which dress am I wearing to the MTV awards? I'll need to pick a different one for the Golden Globe's."

She picked up the dress Holly had discarded, ignoring Artemis's gaping parents.

"Aw, this is so cute! I'm taking it!"

No one had said she wasn't a good actor. She kissed Artemis again before leaving.

"How'd they get her to do that?" Artemis heard Root mutter to Holly.

"Either they paid her or she's been mesmerized. I'm going with the second option. No doubt she'll be mind wiped, too."

Artemis Senior saw the designing thing had possibilities. "You keep this up, Arty, you'll make yourself a nice family with some colour-blind celebrity."

Angeline elbowed Timmy.

Holly elbowed Root. "Hey, commander. Can you imagine Foaly in one of these designs?"

**Somewhere deep in the bowels of the earth**

"Hey," Foaly said, tuning in to Reality TV: Lower Elements Style. "I resent that!"

**Fowl Manor**

Well, it seemed that Artemis's career had potential – at least until Don Eferk turned up.

"You've been Stooged!" He yelled and turned to the camera. "Join us next week for the final episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style. Don't forget to vote! Until then … Eferk OUT!"

AUTHORS NOTE:

Whew, I've finally finished the Stooged part of this thing. Please don't hate me because it took so long! Sorry. Okay, don't forget to vote. And about the next episode … how many of you watch the Iron Chef?


	12. The Iron Chef

_**Hello! I hope you haven't all given up on me because, guess what? It is the time for you to praise me, bow down to me, kiss the air surrounding my house and all those general praising things because – guess what – this is an update!**_

_**Yes, an UPDATE!**_

_**As in, after forever and a day, I have written a new chapter for this little story of chaos! Please commence praising! **_

_**PS. This chapter is dedicated to everyone who will laugh every time they read the words 'kitchen stadium', as I did. Aaah, Japanese people. You gotta love them!**_

**Reality TV: Lower Elements Style**

**Chapter 12: The Iron Chef**

**Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage**

"And, voted out today is … Julius!" Don Eferk announced.

Root was not unhappy. This little mistake he'd made signing a form he didn't read properly had cost him a lot. His dignity, his dignity … actually, it had pretty much only cost him his dignity. But that really was quite a big thing to lose.

"Julius, your consolation prize is a box of fortune cookies! Better luck next time!" Don chuckled at the joke he'd just made. The prompters were confused as to whether they should hold up the 'laughter' sign or not.

"Now, we have our final two contestants: Artemis and Holly! Congratulations on making it this far."

Artemis and Holly stared at Don, wishing he'd get this over with already.

"For the next stage of our competition, we are going to be taking a leaf out of Mud Man reality TV shows such as 'The Biggest Loser's' book by bringing back all the contestants from previous episodes of this show! However, unlike The Biggest Loser, we are not going to confuse the viewers by giving all the contestants a chance to win. They will just be helping out with roles around our kitchen stadium!"

Holly cracked up laughing. "Kitchen stadium?"

Artemis frowned. He'd seen a show like this after a nature documentary on SBS … it was called Metal Cooks … No ...

"Welcome to Stage Ten of the competition: The Iron Chef!"

Holly cracked up again. "Hehe … Iron chef! Is he kidding?"

Artemis frowned. "No, he's serious."

"You mean there's actually a show called the Iron Chef that features a kitchen stadium?"

Artemis nodded.

Holly cracked up laughing again.

**The Kitchen Stadium (hehehe)**

"This is how the competition is going to work," Don Eferk said to the contestants. "You, contestants, are going to cook meals within the time limit of one hour. You will then serve them to the three judges. These judges are: Mulch Diggums, Juliet Butler and last, and also least, Grub Kelp!"

Spotlights illuminated the judges. Mulch, in anticipation of the free meal, had already tucked his napkin in his shirt.

"Presumably, the judges have some sort of criteria by which to judge by. They will taste the food and also mark it on presentation. If a judge dies of food poisoning, the contestant who's food caused the death will lose and also be charged with murder. However, if another judge dies when tasting the other contestant's food, the last judge left chooses a winner out of the presentation of the food, and which caused the least violent death." He paused, to let this information to sink in.

Mulch looked slightly less eager to eat than before, although still reasonably eager. Grub Kelp was looking very happy that he was the third judge, therefore the one most likely to stay alive.

"This wasn't on the form!" Juliet protested.

"It was the small print. Very small print." Don paused and grinned. "I hope you've all got up to date health insurance!"

"Okay, not funny," Juliet muttered as the studio audience roared with laughter.

"Moving right along." Don paused, and cleared his throat. "I have thought long and hard about the secret ingredient tonight. If memory serves me correctly-"

"Get on with it!" Mulch yelled.

Don shot him a look. "Excuse me, but I need to provide twenty minutes of background history that no one will listen too before we can start cooking. And now I've forgotten what I was talking about. What was I saying…?"

"The secret ingredient is …" Mulch prompted.

"Ah, yes. Well, none of the two chefs tonight are exactly 'experts' in the culinary department. In fact, they're the exact opposite. So I have decided to choose …" He trailed off.

"Is he expecting a drum roll?" Juliet whispered to Mulch, snorting.

There was a drumroll.

"I think that answers your question, Mud Girl," Mulch said.

Juliet rolled her eyes.

"… Egg!" Don bit melodramatically into a capsicum.

"How sophisticated," Artemis said. Sarcastically, of course.

Holly nodded. "Yeah, egg. Very gourmet!"

"But wait! There's more!" Don announced. "We don't normally do this, but we are going to award Holly and Artemis three kitchen hands each!"

The audience clapped and cheered.

Juliet raised an eyebrow. "Wow, they're excitable."

"Actually," Mulch said, "they're inmates at the Haven Correctional Facility. They're on drugs to suppress their criminal urges, hence the excitable-ness."

Juliet punched his arm. "I suppose you would know, wouldn't you?"

Mulch declined comment.

"Artemis's first kitchen hand is Butler!" Don announced. "And, since we have evidence that Butler is something of an Iron Chef himself (cue footage of Butler cooking at Fowl Manor), in the interests of fairness, we are going to award Artemis our two special guests from the land of Mud as his next two kitchen hands. Please welcome Pex and Chips!"

Two monkey-like humans stumbled, confused, from the wings of the stage.

"Eh, Pex?" Chips asked his partner.

"What?"

"I get the feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

"Weren't we in America before?"

"No, I'm pretty sure it was Kansas."

Artemis could feel a headache coming on.

"Holly's cooking team will consist of … Trouble Kelp!"

That was good, Holly though. She and Trouble were friends and she knew he could cook okay. He was better than her, anyway.

"Chix Verbil!"

As Chix walked out and leered at Holly, she sighed and resorted to rubbing her temples, as Artemis was currently doing.

"And, the last member of the cooking team, our very special guest, the one, the only … Opal Koboi!"

Holly's head snapped up, as did everyone elses. Opal Koboi? COOKING?

"WHAT?" Foaly screeched. "This can't … It isn't … She's criminally insane, for Frond's sake!"

"Don't worry," Don reassured the centaur, "She's slightly sedated. And we have specialists on hand to deal with her if she gets a little bit … feisty."

Artemis looked in the wings of the stage. Some paramedics with large, suspicious looking needles were standing there.

"I think this whole thing is sponsored by the Haven Correctional Facility," Mulch said to Juliet.

Holly had stopped rubbing her temples, instead reverting to hitting her head on the bench. "D'Arvit … D'Arvit … D'Arvit …"

"And, last, please welcome your commentators, Julius Root and Foaly!"

There was the customary round of applause.

"Contestants, you have one hour to cook a meal. Ready … steady … COOK!"

* * *

Artemis and Holly power-walked to the bench in the middle of the stadium containing lots and lots of eggs. 

"And they're off! Holly is taking a slight lead at this early stage of the competition …" Foaly commented.

Holly looked up and grinned. "One: Foaly, this is not a horse race. We're cooking. The two events require different types of commentating. Two: We haven't even got the food yet. I think 'early stage of competition' is a bit of an understatement."

"Yes, but the clock is ticking!" Foaly said, in that annoying way. "Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…"

He looked at Commander Root, who was actually smiling. If the centaur didn't know better, he would say Root was enjoying this. Maybe the time away from Police Plaza was doing him some good. Lowering his stress levels. And the redness of his face.

"Hey, Julius," Foaly began.

"THAT'S COMMANDER ROOT TO YOU, CIVILIAN!"

Foaly shrank back as Root turned bright red. Maybe the commander wasn't calming down as much as he'd previously thought …

* * *

"What are you thinking of making, Artemis?" Butler asked the boy who'd just collected his eggs. (**_lol_**) 

"Well …" Artemis considered. He knew cooking wasn't his _forte. _However, he was determined to excel. "I thought I'd make egg rolls for an appetizer, pumpkin and fetta cheese quiche as the main course and crème caramel for dessert. It may seem ambitious, however, with your guidance, I am confident I can accomplish this task."

Butler sighed. "Artemis, I don't know if it'll work…"

Artemis smiled. "I know. But we only have 58 minutes left of the original 60, so let's get cooking." He coughed. "Er, I mean, begin the preparation of the meal."

Butler smiled. "Well, let's begin by cracking the eggs…"

* * *

"What's cookin', good lookin'?" Chix asked Holly, coming in behind her.

"Get lost, Chix!" Holly said as she quickly darted to the opposite corner of the kitchen.

"What do you think you're going to make?" Trouble asked her.

She considered. "See, I don't know. I mean, what can you make with egg in it? But, maybe a salad with egg in it. And a cake."

Trouble smiled. "Okay, well, how about Caesar Salad?"

She nodded. "You seem to know a lot about cooking."

Trouble laughed. "I'm good at the open-packet-and-microwave variety."

"Well, do you know how to boil eggs? 'Cos you can do that."

She moved onto the other two. "Chix, you can go over there and chop up stuff for the salad. And, Opal …" She looked at the pixie.

"We meet again, Captain Short," Opal said, looking very spiteful.

"That was clichéd," Foaly laughed from the commentary booth.

Holly frowned, thinking. "You can make ... erm ..."

"I will make my special sauce," Opal said. If a gourmet chef had said that, it would sound appetizing. If Chix Verbil had said that, it would have sounded vaguely suggestive. But, when Opal said it, it just sounded threatening.

And evil.

"What are you going to do, Cap'?" Chix asked. "'Cause I'm pretty sure this is a chpping board made for two…"

"I'm going way, way over there," Holly said, pointing.

"Are you allowed to be at Artemis's station?" Trouble asked.

Holly laughed. "Of course I'm allowed a gun!"

"That didn't answer my question …" Trouble said.

Chix snorted. "She's in denial. Always had been, always will be."

But Opal was looking devious. "A gun, you say? Interesting…"

* * *

Meanwhile, things weren't going quite as planned up at Artemis's cooking station …

"No, Artemis," Butler said patiently. "You crack the egg like this."

He demonstrated. Artemis tried, and the egg cracked all over his hand.

Meanwhile, Pex and Chips were having an intellectual debate.

"I'm telling ya," Chips said. "If you consider the song 'Hot Potato', the Wiggles are likely to be good cooks."

Pex sighed. "Whatever. Cooking's gay, anyway."

Chips pinned Pex up against a cupboard, knocking the tray of eggs to the ground in the process. "Are you calling The Wiggles gay?"

Pex backpedaled. "No, I'm just saying…"

Artemis tried to leap for the falling tray of eggs, but his loafer got caught on another cupboard. "Ow…"

Butler sighed, surveying the now-cracked eggs. "Was this part of the plan, Artemis."

"Well, no," Artemis admitted. "Sometimes plans don't translate smoothly- What are you doing here, Captain Short?"

Holly smiled. "Good to see you too, Artemis.

* * *

Foaly and Root surveyed the chaos unfolding in the kitchen stadium. 

"I don't think this cooking thing is quite going to plan," Foaly remarked.

"No," Root agreed. "No."

"Why did you just repeat the word 'no' twice?" Foaly asked.

Root grew red. "Just because we're out of the office, Foaly, doesn't mean you can treat me like one of your polo buddies."

"True," Foaly said. "True."

* * *

Finally, Artemis had managed to crack an egg without causing the world to spontaneously combust, or having egg to run down his hand. 

"Thirty minutes have elapsed," Foaly announced, "therefore, there are thirty minutes left."

Butler cleared his throat. "Artemis, I don't think we have enough time to make a quiche. Or egg rolls. Or crème caramel."

Artemis nodded. "I thought this might happen. Luckily, I prepared Plan B."

Butler nodded. Of course Master Artemis would be prepared. "What is Plan B?"

Artemis cleared his throat. "Er … scrambled eggs."

* * *

Opal frowned at the table of ingredients in front of her.

Milk, eggs, cheese, eggs, tomatoes, eggs … None of them were the ingredients she needed for her special sauce.

She turned to the token Japanese kitchen hand. "What would I have to do," she asked in flawless Japanese, "to get some plastic explosive?"

"Plastic explosive?" He repeated, frowning.

She frowned. "Yes, idiot. I just said that, didn't I? Go and get it for me!"

He slunk off, tail between legs, metaphorically speaking.

Opal looked back at the ingredient table. _Now, _she thought. _Where is the peanut butter?

* * *

_

"What are you doing?" Don asked Foaly and Root, who were sipping iced carrot juice and having some civilized conversations. "You're supposed to be commenting on the cooking, not sitting here having D and M's."

"We are commenting!" Foaly surveyed the kitchen stadium. "Artemis has just learnt how to crack an egg. Pex and Chips are wrestling. Chix is singing. Holly is running away. And Opal is spooning peanut butter into a bowl. Cursed pixie…"

"Wouldn't say no to a Koboi Hoverboy, though," Root said, laughing.

Foaly glared at the commander. "You take that back!"

Root chuckled. "Now, Foaly. Let's focus on the cooking…"

Just then a bloodcurdling screech filled the air.

"Was that … Chix Verbil?"

* * *

See, it went like this. 

Holly had come back from Artemis's cooking station with a bowl of shredded lettuce and a big smirk on her face.

"_Someone's in the kitchen with Holly_!" Chix sang to her.

"Shut it, Verbil," she replied.

"_I've been missing you, strawberry kisses_…" He warbled.

"That's strike one. What does a Nikki Webster song have to do with anything?"

Chix shrugged. "Strawberries … cooking. You know. _You make me wanna lala, in the kitchen-_"

Holly frowned. "That's Strike two."

"_- on the floor!_"

Holly raised the buzz baton she'd stolen from a security gnome. "And strike three!"

She jabbed and Chix screamed. Immediately, two medics with needles rushed on the scene.

"I didn't touch him!" Holly said.

"It's true," Foaly said. "She didn't."

"And this, folks, proves that Chix Verbil is not a tough guy," Root said to the camera.

Foaly shook his head. "You're enjoying this way to much."

"Shut it, pony-boy."

* * *

"15 minutes left," Foaly announced.

Mulch's stomach growled. "Get a move on!" He yelled.

Artemis was sweating profusely over a stove. "Butler! Are the eggs supposed to be turning grey?"

Butler was showing Pex and Chips how to chop coriander. "No," he replied.

"This knife isn't sharp," Pex said.

"That's because you're using the wrong side to chop with," Butler explained, before rushing to help Artemis. "Turn the heat down!"

Artemis did. And the eggs burst into flames.

Artemis jumped back. "How did that happen?" He asked. Something that didn't happen very often.

Opal smiled at them from Holly's station. "Sorry. Just practicing my aim."

Butler felt annoyed. "By throwing matches at us?" He could feel his stress levels rising.

_Inhabit the quite place in your core in times of stress, _the voice of Madame Ko infiltrated his mind.

_Quiet place, Domovoi._

_Quiet place._

_Quiet._

…

…

He sighed. "Okay, Artemis. This time I'll cook the eggs. You help Pex and Chips chop the coriander."

* * *

**"Ten minutes left."**

Holly surveyed her bench. Despite the fact she'd once burnt down her kitchen making toast, her meal didn't seem to be going to badly.

"Holly!" Trouble yelled.

"Yes?" She said, going over to him.

"This cake will take forty minutes to cook. We have less than ten minutes."

"Just put it on a higher setting," Holly said. "What is Opal doing?"

"But-" Trouble tried. But Holly had rushed over to Opal. He sighed and put the cake in the oven. He had a feeling this wasn't going to work.

Opal was fiddling with some electrical wires. As Holly approached, she hid them in her large chef's hat.

"What was that?" Holly demanded.

"So suspicious, Captain Short? Can't we call a truce?" Opal asked, doing a good impression of genuine regret. "What's the saying … 'Those who cook together stay together?'"

Holly frowned.

"I've got the salad dressing," Opal said, pushing a bowl towards Holly. It didn't look too bad. In fact, it looked okay.

"Thanks," Holly said, surprised.

"You're welcome," Opal said, smiling and showing her sharp teeth.

* * *

"5 minutes left," Foaly announced. "You know," he said to Root, "I really am glad that I'm not a taster."

Root nodded, watching Pex and Chips flatten stalks of coriander. "I've got to agree with you there."

They lulled into silence, watching the progression.

"Is Butler allowed to cook for Artemis?" Root asked.

Foaly shrugged. "Meh."

* * *

**"Two minutes left."**

"Holly, what's that smell?" Trouble asked.

Holly shrugged. "It smells like burnt toast… Oh no!"

Trouble and Holly looked at each other in panic. "The cake!" They exclaimed in unison, before rushing off to the oven.

Trouble opened the door and peered into the smoking, blackened mess that was once a cake.

"Well," Holly said, grimacing. "On the bright side, the cake is cooked."

* * *

Butler quickly put the egg on a plate, chopped up some coriander and tomato and garnished the meal.

"Artemis," Butler called. "Your meal is ready. All you need to do is put some salt and pepper on it."

"Okay." Artemis sprinkled the salt and pepper on.

**"One minute to go!"**

"Artemis," Butler said.

"Yes?"

"That was sugar you just sprinkled on the egg."

"Oh …"

Artemis rubbed his aching head. This cooking business was a nightmare. How did Butler do it?

* * *

**"One minute to go."**

Holly was busily hacking the burnt bits off the cake.

"Looks like something got a bit … _hot_!" Chix came up behind her.

Holly whirled around, still holding the knife she was using to murder the cake into being more edible. "Chix, if you come up to me one more time, I'm going to make you taste test the cake."

Chix slunk off muttering apologies.

Holly passed the cake to Trouble, who proceeded to slather it with icing.

"Well," she said, "On the bright side, at least the salad worked."

In a corner, Opal Koboi cackled. Her plan was about to start working.

* * *

**"5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … STOP COOKING!"**

Artemis stopped examining his nails, and looked up.

Holly leant against a counter and took a few deep, relaxing breaths.

Don Eferk stood up. "Now, Artemis. Are you ready to serve your meal?"

"Y-"

"Come on up!"

Artemis took the plates of eggs. "Funny," he muttered. "That didn't sound like a rhetorical question."

"Artemis has made some scrambled eggs garnished with coriander." Foaly intoned. "Here, I use the word 'made' very loosely. The only thing he actually did was mix up salt and sug-"

Root grabbed the mike off Foaly. "That wasn't in the script!"

Foaly shrugged. "I'm allowed to improvise."

Mulch took an apprehensive bit. "Well, it's edible. And it might even be enjoyable if there wasn't sugar on it." He proceeded to devour the entire plate. "Pretty good, Mud Boy "

Juliet took a tentative bite. "You know," she said, "if it wasn't for the sugar, this would taste just like Butler's scrambled eggs! What a coincidence!"

"Yeah, coincidence, my foot," Foaly laughed.

Artemis coughed delicately.

Grub tasted the food. "I think the way the flavours interact with each other in this dish is really sublime, and the coriander adds a nice touch. However, I think the sugar was a mistake – it doesn't really speak to me, metaphorically speaking."

There was a silence while everyone stared at Grub.

"Okay!" Don said. "Well … yes. Holly, your meal!"

Opal shivered with anticipation of her delightfully evil plan. Holly advanced towards the judges. Opal lifted a remote with a big, red button on it.

"Holly has made a Caesar salad and …" Foaly trailed off.

Opal shivered impatiently. _Get on with it!_

"… what slightly resembles a cake."

Someone coughed.

Opal jiggled impatiently.

Mulch, the first judge, took a spoonful.

Opal watched as it came up to the dwarf's mouth. Her fingers hovered over the big, red button.

The spoon touched Mulch's lips…

Opal counted for the two counts it would take him to swallow and pressed the …

Mulch took the spoon away from his mouth. "Hey, you didn't give me any-"

… the big, red button.

The salad exploded with an eloquent bang.

There was silence.

"- salt and pepper," Mulch finished feebly. "Hey, that could have killed me!"

"Noooo!" Holly groaned. "My salad!"

Opal frowned. Cursed dwarf. "Aah!" She screamed in frustration, throwing the remote with the big, red button down.

Everyone stared at her.

She tried to look innocent. "Well … you know …" A medic came up behind her and took her away.

"Well …" Foaly said, "That was interesting. Eat dirt, Koboi! Now for Holly's cake."

Mulch poked the cake. "If I die during the tasting of this …"

"You won't," Holly reassured him. "Opal didn't make that."

"That's what they all say." Mulch took a bite. "Well, it's a bit burnt …"

"A bit?" Juliet spluttered, having just tried a mouthful. "Can I have some water?"

Grub tried it. "The sweetness of the icing is just too big a contrast to the burnt-ness. The flavours do not tango delicately on the tongue, they seem to war in the abdomen."

There was silence.

"Okay, bad metaphor," Foaly declared.

"Right," Don said. "Well, I think it's pretty clear that Artemis won this round. So clear, that I can't be bothered asking the judges for confirmation. Now, you, viewers at home, vote for who you think should win Reality TV: Lower Elements Style. Artemis or Holly? It's your choice! Join us next time, for the final of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style. Until then … Eferk , OUT!"

**_I've done it (dances)! Please review! Sorry if I don't reply to your reviews, I often forget! Thanks to _**Calli Maxwell, OperaGustus, me-obviously, DV2, elvengirl9, h2omelonnqa, HardActToFollow, Senseikkhehe, White-Tiger123, the Thirteenth Councilor, Jamie Love, Goldie.dk, The OddBird, bob is my pineapple, FetishFemale, Serpentira, UnSerious Sirius, busybee, Laura J. Rie, 1st female LEPrecon and hollybridgetpeppermint! **_ Cookies for all!_**


	13. Finale

**All right guys, a heads up on what's going on (assuming I haven't alienated all of you with my un-reliability and also that those of you who started reading this that whole three years ago haven't moved on to bigger and greater things). I totally started writing this chapter half a year ago and I had a kickass first half and it was amazing and so great etc…. But then I went and lost it.**

**So these whole holidays I was like "must finish fanfiction… must have closure on story…" but I made excuses and looked and looked for it but finally I gave up and started again. So, that's why the first half of this is weird and bad and I will upload the real version if I ever find it but for now you will have to deal. Please don't give up on this chapter I promise the second half will be better!!! **

**And by the second half, of course, I mean the next chapter because I have spontaneously decided to give you TWO, yes TWO chapters for the price of one!**

**So, the votes have been counted. The readers have been primed. It's been THREE YEARS people. Three whole years during which we've all changed, every one of us. Who will care? Who will have moved on? Who will win Reality TV: Lower Elements Style?**

**Chapter 13: Don't We All Love A Good Old Highly Extended Finale?**

**Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage**

"Testing… one, two, three…"

There was hustle and bustle around police plaza as Channel ROK prepared for the finale of their highly publicized newest money making ploy (and by that I mean TV series). Make-up and hair artists ran frantically around the stage. That man with that fluffy thing on a stick walked around waving it in the air madly. The audience chattered uncontrollably as they were fed coffee cup after coffee cup to pump them up. Watching all of the backstage hubbub was an elf with a large quiff on the stage, who was smoking a cigar while the make-up elf fixed his blemishes, shined his hair and just basically made him look wonderful.

"So then the cake exploded and the D'Arviting dwarf tried to sue us… " The elf in haled, blowing out a ring of smoke. "God, Shirley, they're not paying me enough for this job."

The stagehand ran out waving a clapboard in everyone's faces. "3… 2… 1… You're on!"

Theme music started blaring. The audience went wild. The quiffed elf sprang up, a look of shock on his face. He quickly threw the cigar into the wings of the stage (from which a muffled yelp, then the sound of a fire extinguisher could be heard).

"… Hello!" The elf began when the noise died down, with a slightly stunned look on his face. "And welcome to another episode of-" he squinted at the auto-cue "- sorry, the FINAL episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style!"

The crowd began to scream, presumably with joy. The elf sighed. "Thank God," he muttered, thinking he would be drowned out by the crowd.

Unfortunately, the stagehand had now lowered the 'Applause' sign. The crowd became silent, staring at the elf on the stage. How awkward.

"I mean," the elf continued, fixing a large smile on his face. "Thank God we're all here tonight, celebrating in the joy that has been this show!"

The crowd began to applaud again.

"I am Don Eferk," the elf started when the crowd finally calmed down, only to be interrupted by the crowd starting to cheer _again_.

He frowned, wondering what the crew had slipped into the coffee. "Quiet down… I'll be your host for this evening-" another burst of applause began here, but Eferk concentrated and projected his voice that little bit more "-SO NOW LET'S WELCOME OUR CONTESTANTS!"

Here, a pause for applause would have been appropriate, but Eferk's feet were really hurting him and all he wanted was for the constant chaos that was this show to be over, goddammit! So he skipped right onto his next auto-cue.

"HOLLY! AND ARTEMIS!"

The diminutive elf and the awkward human walked out from the wings, slightly taken aback by the rabid, cheering and just generally foaming from the mouth audience.

"HOW ARE YOU FEELING?!" Eferk roared at them.

"Like the smartest person in the room," Artemis said, looking disdainfully at the roaring audience. Unfortunately they were roaring so loudly that he couldn't really be heard.

"Hol-ly! Art-e-mis!" The crowd began chanting.

Eferk looked a little upset that the crowd wasn't chanting _his_ name. "OKAY, MOVING ON… LET'S LOOK AT A LONG AND UNNESSCESARY HIGHLIGHT REEL TO LET YOU RELIVE YOUR FAVOURITE MOMENTS … AND SOME OF THE BORING ONES WE HAD TO PUT THERE TO FILL IN TIME!"

As the crowd's attention was directed to the screen showing clips of the show – Artemis falling over, Holly punching Chix, Artemis falling over – Artemis sighed and averted his eyes.

"What are you thinking?" Holly Short asked the human. They had been through enough together in the past few weeks for her to realize something was bothering him.

He sighed again. "I'm just reflecting on this experience… of friendship. And friendly competition." He looked up to see Holly looking at him with disbelief. "I'm also reflecting on how good a massage and mud wrap at the spa will feel after this."

Holly laughed and clapped him on the back. "This is a competition and all… but to me, as long as we have both tried our best…. I'm going to win, Mud Boy!"

He shook his head at her and wished he had a better comeback than "Nuh-uh!" But these jock sayings really did not invite intellectually stimulating responses.

Twenty minutes later, the highlight reel was over, and the crowd was almost asleep.

"NOW," Don Eferk screamed over the crowd's snores, "IT'S TIME FOR ALL THE FORMER CONTESTANTS TO COME BACK TO THE STAGE… AND PERFORM FOR US A DANCE THEY HAVE CHOREOGRAPHED!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "This will be nothing short of excruciating."

Holly chucked harshly, a murderous glint in her eyes. "This better be over soon, or…" she stopped in the middle of her threat, frowning. "Hey, where's Foaly?"

They both squinted out at the stage, where Trouble and Grub Kelp, Commander Root, Chix Verbil, Juliet Butler, Butler, Opal Koboi and Mulch Diggums were assembled in particularly fetching pink sequined shorts and tank top. The vast majority were scowling and tugging at their shorts, however Grub Kelp was eating up the attention.

Artemis also frowned. "Hmm… Suspicious."

They had no time to continue their musings because the final chords of a particularly annoying Pussycat Dolls song had finished and they were being called back onto the stage.

"ANY LAST WORDS BEFORE I ANNOUNCE THE VERDICT?" Don Eferk asked the two of them, wishing he had concealed his cigar rather than discarding it. Cigars were expensive these days and that boring-ass dance routine was the perfect opportunity for a smoke!

Holly stepped forward. "Yeah. Where's Foal-" She stopped. A tech-elf was waving a sign at her.

"Say something sentimental about the journey you have been on," he stage whispered. Loudly.

She frowned. "What is this D'Arvi-"

"HOW PROFOUND," Eferk said, simultaneously stepping forward and shoving her to the side. "NOW… THE WINNER… WILL BE ANNOUNCED…" he silently counted to thirty. "… AFTER THE BREAK!"

"Didn't see that one coming," Artemis whispered sarcastically. Holly merely groaned and shoved Chix Verbil into the crowd, who leapt on him like hungry lions.

Holly nodded, satisfied. "I hope he's had a tetanus shot."

Finally, it was time. Time for truth. Time for beauty. Time for the conclusion of all these years of hard work, tears and humiliation. Some totally bikini-clad elves crowded around Don Eferk, Holly and Artemis for no particular reason. The most skimpily dressed elf handed Eferk the giant, pink envelope. A stagehand forced Holly and Artemis to hold hands.

Don took his time with clearing his throat. This was it. The moment.

"AND THE WINNER…." He roared. Then he paused for a long moment. "IS…." pause "…" pause "…" pause "FOALY!"

Eferk smiled toothily, as an even _more_ skimpily dressed elf held out the giant novelty check to… She frowned. That was Holly, and that was Artemis. But then… who was Foaly?

There was a stunned silence. Holly and Artemis glanced at each other. The audience frothed at the mouth slightly. Then they heard a familiar 'clip-clop' and, from the wings, Foaly emerged, a bit of computer wire hanging off his tail.

"Thank you, thank you!" Foaly said, accepting the cheque and waving at his adoring audience who had no choice but to clap and cheer and scream and spit bits of Chix's costume onto the stage.

Holly and Artemis stared at Foaly suspiciously. "But – you -"

Foaly smiled charmingly at them. "Sorry, kids. You've got to be in it to win it… and you certainly weren't in it when I wiped you from the computer!"

Then he vanished.


	14. Epilogue

**Epilogue: Where Are They Now?**

_Unable to pass up any opportunity to make money off an already long and drawn out franchise, Channel ROK held a special episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style entitled Reality TV: Where Are They Now? While these tapes have since been lost in an event entirely as suspicious as the whole Foaly-wins-RTV:LE Style escapade, a summary of the episode was located and can be read below:_

**Foaly** used his winnings to buy a lifetime supply of quality carrots imported direct from the lush and fertile fields of New Zealand because he felt the texture was crispier and the taste more carrot-y. He also bought several 20-karat gold carrots, because it made him laugh and also made him feel ridiculously rich. Upon learning that Commander Root didn't appreciate the gangsta style and elegance brought by carrot-shaped bling being worn around the neck, Foaly decided that money could buy him a greater happiness in the face of such mirth and teasing. No longer afraid of the threat of budget cuts, he proceeded to build a 3-storey mansion directly in front of Commander Root's modest one-storey house, effectively blocking his view of the fairy lakes. Foaly is currently writing his autobiography, entitled '_Memoirs of a Tech-Nerd_' which will discuss how money can buy you happiness and also how much better his computer systems are than Opal Koboi's.

The exposure of **Commander Root**'s true spirit on Reality TV: Lower Element's Style earned him the endearing label of 'aggressive rogue'. He was (rather unexpectedly) voted number 5 in _Ellf_ Magazine's Sexiest Men Over 300 of 2007 poll and posed in nothing but a strategically-placed Neutrino for the accompanying calendar – lovely. Nothing could bring Root down – until Foaly blocked his view of the beautiful fairy lakes with a 3-storey monstrosity of a house with one wall decorated as a shrine to the centaur himself. In response, Root held many large and rowdy Curry Appreciation parties, which ended up killing two birds with a metaphorical stone: the success of these parties ensured Root's election to the fairy council _and _the smell produced during the early hours of the morning after eating large curry meals made even Foaly's New Zealand carrots seem unappetising.

**Holly Short**'s attempt to retire from the public eye to focus on her career failed after she became the victim of many protests by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Chix Verbil. This group was formed in response to the multitude of abuse Holly supposedly inflicted on the sprite throughout the show. After being labelled 'A Man Eater' and continually associated with that annoying song by Nelly Furtado, Holly, with the support of Channel ROK, agreed to host the spin-off show to Reality TV: Lower Elements Style entitled Chix Verbil's New BFFL. After many of these Chix Verbil campaigners realized their sympathies lay with Holly after all, Chix Verbil looked to the Mud People in search of a new BFFL or, in fact, anyone who would spend more than 10 minutes with him without slapping him in the face. Instead of objecting to this risk for security, the council encouraged his search, saying "_We usually hate to farewell any fairy into the Mud World…. However, for Chix, we are happy to make an exception. Now, if only Grub Kelp will follow…." _Chix appears to be fitting well into the Mud World and has been linked with several influential Mud People of the blonde and tan variety, including Paris Hilton.

**Grub Kelp** spent the first few years after Reality TV: Lower Elements Style firmly resisting offers of the starring role in a spin-off show from Chix Verbil's New BFFL, tentatively entitled Grub Kelp's New Person Who Can Tolerate Him For Longer Than Half an Hour. In a publicity statement issued around this time Grub claimed, _"I hate to disappoint my public, but I've become disillusioned with fame and can get enough groupies without having to resort to feeble reality TV shows._" Grub retired from the LEP after the council refused to build a gold statue in honour of his achievements. He became a professional culinary critic and is currently recovering in hospital after being injured in an incident completely unrelated to his uncomplimentary review of General Scalene's crème brulee. Recent interviews are not entirely understandable, due to a speech impediment sustained during the incident, however speech pathologists assure us Kelp has said either, "_I'll be back… Mummy_!" or "_Rub my back, Mummy_." Watch this space.

**Trouble Kelp** firmly refused the trappings of life as a famous person and retreated to his office in Police Plaza. Somewhat of a recluse, he has not been spotted since, although many criminals and goblins have claimed to have caught a glimpse of him during particularly daring police operations…

**Juliet Butler** was offered a permanent position on the Channel ROK TV show, Gladiator Freak Style, as The Amazing Giant-woman. However, due to TV protocol, she is only able to take up this position if she gets Haven citizenship, meaning she would have to marry a fairy. Mulch Diggums was prepared to accommodate this request, however Juliet hesitated, claiming she had "religious, moral and visual qualms" about the proposed arrangement. For the time being, Juliet has returned to living a normal life on the Mud People Pro-Wrestling Circuit – except for Fridays, when she is taken underground to compete in the show, before being mind-wiped and returned to the surface after "the best sleep ever".

**Butler **was offered a position on Gladiator Freak Style as well as his sister, however this was revoked when it was discovered his vast size and strength would pose a life-threatening risk to the fairies competing. Channel ROK representitives stated, _"We unfortunately had to stop him now, before any more of our insurance gnomes and fairy-welfare lawyers quit the job."_ Butler has now returned to the surface where he divides his time between pumping iron at the gym, teaching Artemis how to cook and directing his new nannying business, Childcare Club, which has the slogan, "You do not talk about Childcare Club."

In the years following Reality TV: Lower Elements Style, **Opal Koboi** enjoyed a brief career as a successful TV chef, which she juggled with her other commitments, ie. being in jail. Adding appearances to such high-profile shows as Haven's Most Wanted and Haven Crimewatch, Koboi's success paved the way for other sadistic, sociopathic criminal celebrity chefs to make their mark on society. Unfortunately, Opal could not resist the lure of gold and was arrested for fraud after convincing Grub Kelp she would build his gold statue for free if he gave her tiramisu a complimentary review in his column. In actual fact, she stole the gold without ever intending to build the statue _and_ her tiramisu has entirely too much coffee, ruining the delicate balance between the flavours and making it unpleasant to eat. Koboi has turned to book writing in jail – her autobiography _If I Were To Kill Commander Root_ made the top 10 and she is currently working on the follow-up, _101 Reasons to Eradicate Centaurs._

Following on from the success of Opal Koboi and Foaly, **Mulch Diggums** took a turn writing his memoirs, which were a massive critical and commercial success. Unfortunately, they were a little too specific in detailing his crimes and he is now being trialled for so many crimes that he has his own coffee mug at the Haven Law Courts. Mulch is optimistic about the future and is currently re-working his memoirs into an autobiographical screenplay entitled _Mulch Diggums: The Musical._

**Artemis** attempted to rob the LEP before being returned to the surface but was foiled at the last minute by several paparazzi gnomes who recognized his distinctive unco-ordination (as seen on Reality TV: Lower Elements Style Episode Six: Strictly Ballroom) and sparked a media frenzy. Artemis, embarrassed about the realization every humiliating moment of the past few months had been broadcast to the entire fairy nation, and angered that, instead of being arrested, he had been forced to film a Britney Spears style tell-all documentary, voluntarily underwent a mind wipe, grew a moustache, got a tan and never came back.

Mission accomplished.

The End.

**Just some quick thank yous: to everyone who voted, ever, and especially those who have stuck with this whole series ever since I started writing all the way back in 2005… and wow that was actually like four years ago!! Sorry to have kept you waiting so long!**

**Thank you **Brimtayne, Annie-morphs, Zandarta, xMetallicBooger, fish_stix_satay, ShadowMagick, Vicki, The OddBird, FetishFemale, Nota_Lone, Ariane-Artemis-Kaaratan, Update, hollybridgetpeppermint, HYPERGURL, darkbunnie192, NinjaAlchemist, OperaGustus, DV2, April Deveraux, Aura of Chaos, Lady of Spring Rain, chitoryu12, , kikoku, Moonclaw, IhateSool, Sandy, cybergurl, nuts for Star Wars, IEnjoySmiling, Miss Selarne, Haven Darling, Amanda (sorry I didn't make them kiss - they did hold hands though!), doormouse, symbelmyne, PureIdiocy (hello stalker ;)), OtakuNekoGirl, Vampirehelsing, Senseikkhehe, aperfectattitude, Nalie, me, obviously, Meeka-Choo i see you, S.S., blufire, Ph33r the island ona, ?, Thingamagig, Ted Green, Lugian-Holly Before Swine, Calli Maxwell, h2o, me-obviously, RECONbabe, Daughter of Moonlight, holly_short_rox, humhallelujah, Tomgeek, Keria The Dove, Niagra Falling, AMie, Lady of Spring Rain, x17SkmBdrchiczxx, waderingmind911, Jamie Love, -anon-anon-anon-, h2omelonnqa, The Magic Bringer, Demograph, DIIIICCCKKKKFFFFAAACCCEEE (lol), almostinsane, avovisto, bookworm, UnSerious Sirius, HardActToFollow, lydiaroseonwingsofsong, White-Tiger123, The Thirteenth Councilor, Doghanyou3693, Dreaming-Cat-369, Brizo, SonokoTao, busybee, Serpentira, bob is my pineapple, Savvyjewel, bertram-lee, NothingButTrouble, Mandanza, Fere will keep you alive, Cobweb the Dictator, Past The Point of Sanity, Simmetra, crAzidAz08, Ted G, YeAr Of ThE DrAgOn, JennyplusY, arya, Ski-0, and Sivaroobini Lupin-Black ... all of your reviews have made me smile and I hope I've made you smile at some point in time as well!


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